“There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.” -Laurell K. Hamilton
People love positivity and feeling secure in their relationships. Typically when we don’t have that sense, we cut someone out of our lives (whether it’s a toxic friend, significant other, or roommate).
However, this is never simple when the toxic people in our lives are family members. The people closest to us often test our limits. For example, there are relatives that abuse drugs or alcohol, critique student-life (a time of enormous growth in maturity and responsibility) or are physically/emotionally abusive.
Sometimes the situation is complicated: you may be financially dependent on them, and therefore cannot cut them out completely. Once we become autonomous and functioning adults, we are faced with a difficult question: how do you approach relationships with toxic family members?
Relatives are an entirely different category than friends or romantic partners: they have known you for years, seen you throughout many periods of growth, and may not mind if they have a negative relationship with you. As students, we often feel the need to keep these family members in our lives, occasionally at least grabbing dinner with them at the very least.
This article is to tell you that you don’t owe them anything. In fact, sometimes you should cut these relationships out of your lives if you can.
There are many different types of relationships. Your parents, for example, may file taxes so that you can receive financial aid and continue attending school. How can you possibly cut them out if you rely on them?
It may be best to hold them at arm’s length if it is too early to dismiss them from your life. There are some things you can do actively to make a difference, like text them instead of calling. This enables you to keep them in the loop effectively, but may cut back on verbal problems and fights. Texting also gives you more time to respond and phrase your arguments better.
There are other types of familial relationships besides those who have a financial hold over you. However, they may be able to guilt you into seeing or helping them. Sometimes, these family members disappear for years: they don’t send cards, attend holiday parties or even just call to say hi. Often times they will attempt to come back into our lives once we’re adults and are apparently able to help them.
For these associations, cutting ties is understandable (even if they don’t understand why). If you’re lucky, you’ll feel comfortable telling another family member your reasons for doing so. Sometimes they can be the channel to let the others know why you’re taking a break.
Only you know what is best, but depending on the relationships, sometimes you have to be strong enough to end a relationship (either temporarily or permanently). It is fully within your rights to do so.
Be sure to leave a while to think your decision over. Is it warranted? Make a list of your reasons, with evidence from past events. You’re still growing and you should feel right in ending anything toxic, even if it’s with a family member.