In families with internationally adopted children such as mine, the phrase “gotcha day” holds special meaning, as it refers to the day that the child was united with their new family and adopted from their native country. (In other words, it’s the day that your family “gotcha.”) Gotcha days are typically celebrated annually and are considered to be on the same level of importance as birthdays. My first gotcha day was 19 years ago when I was adopted from Yangchun Province in China at approximately nine months old.
Although I was not old enough to recall the details of my adoption, I have learned a lot about my adoption process through many stories from my family. I have always known that I was adopted and have been extremely proud of not only being adopted, but being from another country. Once on a family trip, we visited Mystic, Connecticut and while walking around the historical village setup, we came across a small theater that was getting ready to put on a show about the first settlers in the town. I was always a very adventurous child that loved performing, so when the members of the play asked for volunteers, I immediately jumped at the chance. They brought me up to the stage, gave me a suitcase as a prop, and told me that the role I would be playing was an immigrant settler coming to Mystic for the very first time. I started laughing and announced proudly to the audience that I didn’t have to pretend because I already was an immigrant!
This experience (along with many others, such as still being in contact with the girls from my adoption group) really helped shape me into the person I am today, as I plan on pursuing a career in translation for international adoption.
As a 20-year-old woman, I have gotten used to the many questions that are bound to be asked to someone in my situation, and I usually don’t mind answering them. However, there are some comments, questions, and misconceptions that are commonly brought up when I mention that I am adopted that don’t sit right with me, such as:
1. “So where/who are your real parents?”
When I am asked this question, the realization hits that both of my parents are indeed white and not Asian like I am. I understand that the “real parents” they are referring to are my biological parents, but to me, my real parents are my adopted parents. They are the people who raised me on values of tolerance and respect, taught me how to tie my shoes and how to say my ABCs, and supported me throughout my whole entire life. Although I do not share my DNA with them, I consider them to be my true family.
2. “Oh you’re adopted? I’m so sorry—I feel bad for you.”
I certainly don’t. I appreciate all the opportunities that I have been given and truly believe that I was able to experience all of them, such as receiving an education, because of my adoption. By treating my adoption as something to be ashamed of, you imply that I should feel sorry and embarrassed about my circumstances as well.
3. Various comments regarding the One Child Policy
The One Child Policy first came into effect in 1980 as a form of family planning and was meant to help control the Chinese population by limiting families to having only one child. During this time, many baby girls were given up for adoption. Whenever this particular era of history was brought up in any of my classes, I immediately felt uncomfortable. People claiming to know all about the policy would speak up in the class, sometimes very insensitively, about how girls weren’t valued in China and were often aborted or given up in favor of having a boy instead. Although I know that this tragic act is in fact true, it still hurts to think that this is the first thought that appears in the minds of people when I tell them that I am adopted from China. Many people have brought this topic up to me, with comments about how uncivilized China must be and how sorry they feel for me. To me, these comments are extremely insensitive and has actually contributed to a period in my life where I felt like I was unwanted.
4. “So did you come to America already knowing Chinese?”
Although I am Chinese, my first language was the same as that of my adoptive parents: English. I attempted to learn some Chinese when I was younger, but lost interest immediately. I did eventually attempt to learn Chinese again in college and have been taking it for the past five semesters; however, I am not fluent in the language and it is not okay to assume that just because I am Chinese in appearance that I speak Chinese fluently as well.
5. “You speak really good English!”
Tying into the previous comment, I have also heard many surprised comments about how great my English is considering that I was adopted from an Asian country. As stated before, English was my first language and is the language that I have the highest proficiency in. It is also not okay to assume that English is not my first language just because I am not white.
6. “Could your adoptive parents not have their own kids?”
Whether this was the case or not, it is not a question that should be asked. My parents adopted my younger sister and I for a reason and that’s all that matters.
It is definitely normal to be curious about international adoption. However, it is also just as important to be informed about it. Your inquiries and comments might seem friendly and good-intentioned to you, but they also might succeed in hurting the feelings of the adoptee you are directing them towards. Hopefully you will think about how these comments and misconceptions affect others before speaking them out loud.