If I were playing the game “Never Have I Ever” with a group of girls who were all wearing Lululemon yoga pants and a “But first, coffee” graphic t-shirt, I would lose. It would go something like this:
“Never have I ever… watched McDreamy perform surgery on Grey’s Anatomy or drooled over Chad Michael Murray shirtless in One Tree Hill.”
“Never have I ever… worn a choker and a jean skirt together since ’05.”
“Never have I ever… gone in a tanning bed.” (this Norwegian skin could not handle it)
But the most shocking confession that would make them “literally can’t even… never have I ever… sent a Snapchat my maroon fall color nails gripping a Starbucks pumpkin spice latte, because I have never tried one.”
While I was walking home from my Public Relations class on a humid Iowa City afternoon, I passed by the Starbucks on campus. I noticed that their chalkboard outside changed from advertising their herbal summer ice teas to advertising the return of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or PSL. Damn, was it fall already? I had just moved into my new apartment two weeks ago and was recovering from my syllabus week hangover. I checked my phone: September 6 and a high of 85 degrees. Nice try, Starbs. I guess being the most popular coffee empire in America gives you the power to decide when the seasons start and end, according to your seasonal drink lineups.
With the friendly reminder from Starbucks of fall being “here,” I decided that it was finally time I conform to one of the “basic white girl 101s” and lose my PSL v-card. On a late sunny un-fall like September afternoon, I walked into Starbucks with the air conditioning breeze welcoming me in. It was the usual scene. Baristas were calling out the names of random coffee combinations, and people were waiting impatiently for their drinks by the counter. There were sounds of the espresso machines steaming and the scooping of ice cubes hitting the plastic cups. The college kids were zombie-like, staring at their laptops, doing homework or scrolling through Facebook. And, of course, a long line stretched to the glass doors because it was the mid afternoon rush (strangely, no girls in leggings, oversized flannels and combat boots in sight). The woman in front of me ordered a venti iced soy latte with three pumps of caramel, one pump of vanilla, no whip. And then there was me, ordering my first PSL; but hey, everyone’s gotta start somewhere.
“Tall Pumpkin Spice Latte,” shouted a barista at the end of the counter.
I strutted over and grabbed the warm cup. I awkwardly examined the room to see if any tables had opened up. Still crowded. There were seats outside on the patio, so I sat down and took my first sip, in 80-degree weather.
The first sip was enjoyable; it was not what I was expecting. I thought it would overpower my taste buds and make me sick to my stomach. It instead had a tingling, pumpkin, creamy and distinctive crisp fall spice sensation that went down smooth. However, sip after sip, I lost that sensation the first one graced me with. I could not decide if the drink was a hit or a miss; I did not love it or hate it, and that is what bugged me. But, it was definetly overrated, and after a while, it started to taste like I was drinking a liquid version of a cheap fall candle from Bath and Body Works. When this image popped in my head, I decided to stop and throw my half drunken cup in the trash. RIP to five hard-earned dollars that I earned this summer babysitting little brats.
I learned that the PSL is one of those drinks that you just need one sip of to get your satisfaction and then say deuces to. Which made me wonder: Do these girls actually like the taste of it, or are they trying to fit in by pretending they do by posting it? Is status more important that torturing your taste buds? If you fail to post your PSL, did you even have one? I do not know how long until we get these answers, but I am urging anyone to step forward to tell the truth.
I should have stayed home and lost my Grey’s Anatomy v-card instead.