Save your e-cards and put down the spoon if you’re dealing with your loneliness this Valentine’s Day in a truly capitalist fashion.
According to an article by John Roach on National Geographic, the holiday stems from a pagan Roman celebration called, “Lupercalia”. Apparently, the men would get naked and whip the ‘maidens’ with dog-skin whips in an attempt to make them more fertile.
Riiight. I guess the Roman Emperor Claudius II didn’t want any of the young men marrying so the ranks of his army would swell. Valentine believed in a thing called love though, and eloped the young gents anyway. Naturally, he was killed.
Lupercalia was just as popular as Valentine’s Day is nowadays and thus, the Christians called dibs and later claimed the holiday as the celebration of St. Valentine.
See ladies, today isn’t about you, it’s about us. Nonetheless, it’s understandable if you want to cure your Valentine blues with sweets or maybe you like a visual catharsis and will go see the new romance film, The Vow.
If that doesn’t do it for you, I’ve compiled my own personal list of reasons why you should be glad you don’t have anyone on Valentine’s Day.
- Guy’s are dicks.
- You don’t need to worry about getting him a gift.
- You don’t need to worry about paying for a gift.
- You don’t have anybody to dump you.
- No one is going to jump around a corner with flowers and scare the crap out of you.
- You don’t have to carry flowers with you all day in between your classes.
- You don’t have to endure the mean mugs from every other girl looking at you who doesn’t have flowers.
- There’s most likely a special on wine at your local grocery store you can take advantage of and stock up.
- You don’t need to find a new outfit that incorporates a successful combination of red, white and pink.
- You can throw your Sweethearts at people you don’t like in class.
- Guys are dicks.
- You can use the increased demand of candy, lingerie, and floral arrangements to strengthen your portfolio.
- You’re chance of wearing edible underwear in the next 24 hours significantly decreases.
- If you’re allergic to roses, today is probably one of the few times it is actually convenient.
- Regardless of the little red double humped circles you see everywhere, it’s a good time to remember what a heart actually looks like.
- If you don’t like going to the movies because they are always packed, and you like horror films, tonight’s probably a good time to go catch a show.
- Even if you had a date, it is never going to be cooler than this so no matter what you’ll be disappointed.
- Worse than not getting a gift, getting one you don’t like and being forced to use/wear/eat it.
- If you frequently tear up, today most people will just think you’re really happy. Maybe?
- You have some extra time to plan your Spring Break.
- Did someone say chocolate?
- Why worry about mediocre jewelry you probably won’t wear when there’s only one rock that really counts?
- At least you’re not a shell.
- Happy Tuesday!
- Winter is (hopefully) almost over.
That’s all I got at the moment. If you have any perks about being omitted from the V-Day craze that you think I missed, follow me on twitter @LAtheMack and let me know.
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