When you are the child of immigrants, it can be difficult embracing your culture when sometimes, you just want to “fit in.” In honor of International Mother Language Day, check out this college student’s story on how she learned to appreciate both parts of her life.
As the eldest daughter of two Vietnamese immigrant parents, it’s safe to say that the Vietnamese world was all I knew. I was raised with all the traditional teachings and values of the Vietnamese culture. I grew up Vietnamese. It was not until I started elementary school that I was introduced to the American culture. Over time, I adapted the American values and traditions. I was slowly becoming “Americanized.” This transformation made me resent myself in every way possible, turning me into someone I barely recognized.
“Americanizing” myself
For a good half of my childhood, I struggled with the idea of having a dual identity. It wasn’t easy growing up as one of the few Asian girls in my town, let alone the only Vietnamese girl. Growing up in a predominately white community, I tried my hardest to blend in with the crowd. But that wasn’t always so easy when everyone was either blonde-blue eyed beauty or a brunette babe, and then you have me: the squinty-eyed Asian with black hair. How was I to fit the norms?
Even as a child, I was ridiculed by my peers and superiors about my appearance, speech, and the way I acted. As a first grader, I noticed how different I was in my appearance, and the other kids made it well known to me, always pulling on my black hair, or laughing at how squinty the corners of my eyes were. Even my teachers told me I was “too Vietnamese” for their classrooms and knew very little English. They all urged my parents to speak more English at home since all I knew was Vietnamese. The only issue was that my parents barely knew English. At an early age, I was being attacked for something I was born with, something that was way out of my own control. It honestly made me self-conscious: it made me hate the Vietnamese girl inside of me. At the same time, it surged a huge deisre to prove to everyone that I, too, could be American.
As I got into high school, I was pretty “Americanized.” Everyone in my town always acted in a certain way, and those things were becoming ingrained into my life. English slowly became the language I spoke the most, not Vietnamese. The truth of the matter was this: I saw myself as white. I could feel myself losing my Vietnamese side, yet I never acknowledged it. Friends would tell me how “white” I acted and I took plenty of pride in that. I was happy when people would comment on how stylish my Longchamp bag was, or how cute I looked in a VS Pink sweater because those were the things girls in my school had. Those comments assured me that people thought I was “one of them.” But I still didn’t feel normal compared to them because I didn’t look like “one of them.” I still felt beneath them in my appearance and in everything I did. This made me try harder to achieve the recognition of being white from my peers. The obsession to become fully “American” was consuming me for the worst.
Accepting the issue
At some point in my high school career, I realized that I was losing myself completely and I was turning into someone my family barely knew, but more importantly, someone I barely knew. My Vietnamese side was derailing from my life, and it terrified me. I wasn’t struck by lightning to come to this realization, nor did I see a premonition. It had felt as if something wasn’t right, as if I had turned into a fake. The entire time I was trying to be American, my Vietnamese side was slipping from me. My Vietnamese was not at its best anymore, and I found myself wanting things that never would’ve crossed my mind as the young Vietnamese girl I was before. It was clear that as much as I loved being American, I also loved being Vietnamese, and I did not want to lose both sides. Like any problem or struggle, the first step is to accept the situation at hand. It came to the point where I finally accepted the predicament I was in, and I knew that it was time for me to turn it around.
Bringing two cultures together
I’ve come to realize that the addition of my American side wasn’t to overpower my Vietnamese side, but to enrich it into something better. I’m grateful to have accepted the fact that there is nothing wrong with trying to live both cultures together. I’m not going to say it’s been easy since my realization cause it really hasn’t. This identity struggle is something I still face with today, and sometimes one side may overpower the other. But it all comes down to balance. Like any struggle and growth, it’ll surely take time for me to find the balance to equally love both sides, but at least I know now that I am on the right track to embracing both cultures as a Vietnamese-American, in hopes of creating equal fondness for each.
I honestly would not be who I am today if I was not both Vietnamese AND American. I truly needed both sides to feel whole and complete again. Most people can’t say that they grew up with two different cultures the way I have. Now I see that I’m one of the lucky ones.