Milk Duds
The name of this candy truly says it all. Duds. A total, complete, miserable failure of a candy. These small morsels try to pass themselves off as “chocolate,” fooling all of us time and time again. It’s like that one bad ex-boyfriend… you know how bad he is, and yet you still give it a go, thinking it’ll be different. Ladies, this candy will never taste good. Even the manufacturers know how unpleasant they are; each box only contains about two or three. To be honest, it’s two or three too many.
Dum Dums
These lollipops somehow always find themselves at the bottom of every pillowcase each Halloween. They are always half-wrapped and no one can actually tell if they’ve actually been discarded by an unhappy tricker-treater. While there’s barely enough candy at the end of the stick to even make a true complaint, there is one special remark that should not go unnoticed. There is a mystery flavor. A wrapper with question marks on it. Any person in their right state of mind should steer clear of anything edible that cannot divulge its actual flavor.
Pixie Sticks
Whoever created Pixie Stix did so out of pure laziness. The entire idea of candy is to create an enticing culinary experience. It’s one thing for a candy to be sugary, it’s another for the candy TO BE sugar. Seriously, Pixie Stix are wrapped sugar. Anyone caught eating one of these on Halloween is probably the same kid who decided to snort one in the 2nd grade. These are so elementary and a true insult to candy as a whole.
Dots
Dots, meet teeth. Teeth, meet your worst enemy. Upon first glance, Dots appear relatively harmless. They resemble the gum drops your grandma gave you from a little container in her center console. You would expect them to be soft and malleable, and yet instead, they are horrifyingly rock-solid. It’d be better to munch on gravel and food dye. Just when you’ve chewed your way through them and think you’re done with the trauma, you’ll realize that the majority of the candy is lodged in your molars. Good luck trying to pick that out while still looking cute in your cat ears.
Smarties
Sometimes, a class is so bad that you’d rather eat chalk than watch your professor scrawl notes on the board. Other than that, there’s never an appropriate time to want to eat chalk. This brings me to the question: why do Smarties exist? They won’t make you smarter, they will only disappoint you. Their only redeeming quality is the almost preppy packaging… after that wrapper is untwisted however, the appeal plummets to an unparalleled level.