Whoever said that being single is not fun can just plainly be labeled as a sad human being.
It never made sense to me that we celebrate a day of romance. I like the occasional married couple holding hands just as much as the next guy, but let’s face it – there are some pretty d@mn annoying couples reproducing out there. Sometimes, it just makes sense to look at two people and think: “Man, I wonder if they got together just because both of them had working lungs and matching mullets?” The worst part of it is, those are the people that get really into Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year that these knockout couples get to celebrate that they are together because their friends just won’t; because apparently if you aren’t Kim and Kanye, you don’t deserve public appraisal for your relationship or your rear-end. So, on a day-to-day basis, these poor saps have to make a status about it. Ate lunch together? Make a status about it. He bought you a watch? Make a status about it. Watched porn together? Make a status about it with that creepy little toothy-grin emjoi.
When a man comes home to his wife with a bouquet of flowers for his love, his one and only, his sweetheart – do you ever just vomit in your mouth and think: “You know, shouldn’t he just be doing that anyway?” Ladies, I have news for you. Men don’t care about Valentine’s Day. For a single man, Valentine’s Day is one more reason for a belching conteset over beer and hot dogs with the guys while they showcase their panty collection. For a man in a relationship, it’s the most expensive day of the entire d@mn year. He has to live up to your wide-eyed expectations of dinner, a movie, wine…a new car, a puppy; then by the time you’ve both crashed on the bed ready for some late-night sheet frolicking, he can’t seem to get into it because the dog won’t stop sh!tting on the floor.
Then there are the illustrious pairs that decide to get hitched on Valentine’s Day. Well, they decide to start planning their hitching. Cue that creepy little toothy-grin emoji, because it’s perfect. #ValentinesDay #SoInLove #MarryingMyBestFriend #BestValentinesDayEvaaa #GonnaDoItLater #HeGotItFromKayAndLotsOfDiamondsAndAPuppy. Then you start seeing the Instagram posts for the next year and half and the irritating #tbt of “when we first met! omg seems so long ago!” Shut up. You started dating last year and your parents liked him. Try not to slide in your own drool at your wedding.
Bon Voyage, sucker.
Why can’t we replace Valentine’s Day with something better, anyway? I mean, I really thought that Earth Day was a load, but at least tree-hugging doesn’t make me want to eat a few thousand pounds of frozen dairy and cry all day. Maybe I will shut off all my lights in March for Earth Day, you know? Maybe I like that – maybe I don’t want people to see me still bitter over the one day that made me feel like sh!t; and even if someone does see me, I’ll just wipe my snot and bawl over the melting ice caps or whatever. So, why can’t we just have Universal Naked Day? That way we can all come together in mutual shame that we still are not Kim and we will never break the interwebs – but you know what would break the interwebs? Universal Celebrity Day. You know that those guys have the most fun on Valentine’s Day because they keep seeing their faces on those internet Valentine’s Day cards. I feel bad for Leonardo DiCaprio and the abuse he’s seen from those things. So, to recap, with Universal Celebrity Day we can humiliate the people that make us feel bad about ourselves for once.
There is not a thing in this world wrong with a Friends marathon and a bowl of ice-cream this Valentine’s Day. I mean, for plenty of us, that’s a pathetic and normal weekend. I don’t like to go out, so whoever dates me would be disappointed when I rolled up to our hot date spot in my t-shirt from the night before with a luxurious chocolate stain across the front – okay, I’m kidding. That’s gross. But in all seriousness, no single female should be upset about being single on the one day when it (apparently) sucks to be single. Honestly, celebrate the day of romance by loving yourself and your perfection, and just remember why you’re single: because you’re too good for everyone else, duh.
Also, ice-cream doesn’t have a high sex drive.