I remember when we found out we were pregnant, we sat in the hallway next to the bathrooms in Walgreens for hours, saying nothing.
For the first time, we cried together.
Happiness and excruciating fear intermingling in our tears. I was 18, I was a kid, I was a dreamer.
The thing was, I wanted to stay that way. I wanted to ignore a world I found flaw in. I wanted to exist in a way that would reform this world.
The very last thing we wanted was to raise a child in a world we did not believe in.
Being pregnant.
It is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Pregnancy is… beautiful to put it in layman’s terms. To imagine another human being with thoughts, opinions, emotions, someone capable of experiencing love, anger and someone with the potential to literally change the world and knowing that I created them.
Complete mathematical biological perfection, procreation, the literal creation of a conscious human being.
It is.. breathtaking and it is completely terrifying.
When you think about having a child you think about all of the amazing parts. I thought about seeing my daughter for the first time, I thought about her first day of school and her little voice telling me, “I love you Daddy.”
I didn’t think about all of the things I’d have to buy; diapers and beds and clothes and food and furniture. I didn’t think about having a home and all of the meds and doctors appointments.
I didn’t think about the stress and pain the woman I love would endure. I didn’t think about having to grow up.
I just thought about her smile.
Marleigh Mae Nickols, my daughter.
She has changed my life in so many ways and I haven’t even held her hand yet. If it was not for her I would be in some cheap s*** hole, scraping by, not caring about anything but my next high.
Because of her, I have grown up. For the first time I am proud of who I am as a man. I am proud of the woman I am blessed to call my wife. I have a career and I can provide for my daughter.
I am clean.
Because of her I am finally someone my daughter, my wife, and my family can be proud of.
Because of her I am still a dreamer.
Because of her I am ready to be a father.
Photo Source: Sarah Parson’s Photography