Ladies, let’s face it: we aren’t always the greatest at communication. When it comes to working through problems with our boyfriends, friends and roommates, we often resort to shouting matches or passive-aggressive text messages, neither of which accomplish much of anything. For more effective communication in all of your relationships, follow these ten steps as outlined by Professor Nancy Daley in her Human Sexuality course at The University of Texas.
1. Be a good listener.
You’d think this would be a given in any conversation, but how often do you find yourself zoning out when your partner talks, only to think about what you are going to say next? When he or she is talking, stop what you are doing, look them in the eyes, and listen.
2. Think about what you want to say.
If you and your partner are going to be having a difficult or important conversation, plan ahead. Think about what you need to say beforehand and make sure you say it. There is nothing worse than leaving a conversation with the realization that you didn’t even get your main points across.
3. Establish your frame.
Pick a specific time and place to have important conversations, preferably somewhere were there are little interruptions. Your apartment living room may not be the best place, especially if you have multiple roommates that could wander in and out. Go somewhere private and establish ahead of time what interruptions are allowed, like that phone call you’ve been expecting from your mother.
4. Limit your topics.
It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of an argument and use irrelevant topics from the past as ammunition. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about that time I caught you with so-and-so two years ago!” Save these topics for another conversation. If they have no place in the context of your current situation, don’t even bring them up. Stay on track!
5. Be honest.
Before discussing something major with someone close to you, ask yourself these questions: “What are my motives? What do I want to achieve? What am I aiming for?” Knowing the answers to these questions can help you be completely honest in the conversation. If you can’t be honest, you shouldn’t even be having the conversation in the first place.
6. Use “I” messages.
“I messages” are statements like, “I think we should start going out together more often,” or “I don’t understand how I offended you so badly.” “You” statements sound accusatory, which could end up pissing your partner off. For example, “You always overreact about things,” or “You never take me out with your friends.”
7. Use open-ended questions.
Open the floor up for your partner to say exactly what they feel, instead of throwing loaded questions at them and expecting a certain answer. Say things like “Can you think of how we can make this better?” or “What do you think we should do about this?”
8. Check in frequently.
This part can be tricky, because if done wrong, it can make your partner feel like you are talking down to him/her. Checking in means that you are checking to make sure both of you are on the same page. “Do you get what I’m saying?” or “You know?” Don’t check in after every sentence; it makes it seem like you are trying to belittle your partner.
9. Don’t try and fix your partner’s feelings.
Your partner has a right to feel however the hell they want to. Don’t go into a conversation with the intention of changing how they feel. Instead, set the goal of having your voice heard and getting your point across. If you are in the wrong, and your partner is upset about it, don’t expect him/her to automatically forgive you after one conversation. Let your side of the story be heard, but don’t expect him/her to not to still be upset about it for a while, which brings us to #10.
10. Give up being right as a goal.
You aren’t always right, and you know it. Give up being right as one of your objectives to communication – sometimes, you have to just agree to disagree, and that’s fine! The goal of any disagreement should be for both parties to make their feelings known to one another. Sometimes, neither party can be totally convinced of the other’s reasoning, but at least afterwards you can have a better idea of why each of you feel the way you do.
So, next time important topics arise with your friends or lover, ditch the sticky notes on the fridge, put down your cellphone and TALK to one another. It works wonders.