Do you imagine meeting the love of your life in a way that is exciting, spontaneous and a worthy story for the grand-kids? Well, with the depressing male-to-female ratio of TCNJ students, you’re going to have to put a little more effort into it. Here is a simple guide to finding a great long-term boyfriend. Don’t tell your friends about it, because they might get all the good ones first!
LOCATION
Everyone knows the best places to hunt for your next boyfriend are Frat parties. These boys are starved for relationships! They go with one goal in mind: finding a serious girlfriend.
APPEARANCE
Makeup is a great way to hide facial flaws and give the illusion of attractiveness. Thick blue eyeshadow has enticed gentlemen for centuries. Several coats of black mascara will compliment nicely. Bronzer should be applied until you have the natural look of an Oompa-Loompa. Some may believe inner beauty is more important, but let’s be honest: he’s going to be kissing your face, not your mind.
When choosing attire, your goal should be to expose as much skin as you can possibly stand while waiting outside for rides. As a general rule, if you must wear jeans they should be just tight enough to inhibit normal movement. Concentrated effort may be required to walk in those heels, but by the end of the night you’ll have a cute boy to drive you home anyway. Lack of cleavage is easily remedied with push-up bras (double-up if necessary).
Hair should be straight and frizz-free, but beware of drying it out by overusing heat products One solution is to take a week or so off from washing it to allow your natural oils seep in. Douse your head with baby powder to diminish greasiness. This is preferable to the natural state of your hair, which is unsightly and socially unacceptable.
TARGET
The best boys to target would be on the more intoxicated side, preferably swaying to the music alone in the corner. They are the perfect Prince Charmings, waiting for you to join them in a romantic interpretive dance of Ke$ha’s “We R Who We R”.
Generally, any boy who is alone and obviously ostracized by other partygoers is a prime candidate, as you will certainly be welcomed companionship!
ATTRACTIVE BEHAVIORS
If you really want to meet the love of your life, the most important thing to do at a party is make a scene. You need to stand out in the sea of generic girls dancing around in jeggings. Shout about your sexual skills to your friends, acting as though your volume is merely an effect of drunkenness. Suggest strip games, so boys will immediately think this carefree, half-naked girl will be the perfect mother for his future children.
Afraid of a guy choosing one of your friends over you? Throw them under the bus by loudly proclaiming embarrassing information you have on them (“HAS THAT YEAST INFECTION STARTED TO CLEAR UP?!”). Once again, be sure to act intoxicated, as the more drunk you seem, the faster you will be forgiven. This problem can be avoided entirely by only bringing friends you determine to be less interesting and attractive than yourself.
FLIRTING
Once you have captured the interest of your prey – ahem, boyfriend-to-be –, it is important that you hold his attention with flirting. Cross your arms under your chest, so as to push up your boobs. Drop your phone a little bit behind you, to have an excuse to turn around, bend over, and put your assets on display.
Be sure to pretend you understand all of his pop-culture references and agree with everything he says. Having opinions is unfeminine and highly unattractive. Laugh maniacally at anything remotely funny, because it will boost his self-esteem. It will also mislead him into thinking you enjoy his company and are interested in him as something more than a doormat you can yell at and guilt into buying you presents.
CLINCHING THE DEAL
After you’ve spent some time flirting with this fine, young gentleman, the two of you should be ready to take the next step! If you have done everything as described, you should go on Facebook immediately upon return to your room and wait for him to change his relationship status.
If you maybe didn’t apply enough lip gloss or accidentally began to argue with him over your views on the health care bill (woops!), all hope is not lost. As long as you have his number, you can remedy these obvious mistakes in the coming days. It is very important that he does not forget what a catch you are! Be sure to text him whenever something reminds you of a conversation you had, whenever you see him across campus, whenever you see someone who kind of looks like him across campus, or whenever you’re feeling desperate and lonely. Pretty soon he’ll come to his senses and ask you out, so don’t you worry, girl!