I am a person who loves the punk rock aesthetic, I’ve dyed my hair every color under the sun and I’ve gotten five piercings in the last seven months. However even though I’m a person who doesn’t give a second thought to randomly putting two more nose rings in my already pierced nose, the idea of tattoos brings me to a grinding halt. It’s not that I don’t want tattoos, in fact, I have a book of designs just waiting to go on my body. There is just something about getting a permanent marking on my body that I can’t commit to.
What got me thinking about why I can’t take the plunge is when I let my friend draw a half-sleeve of doodles on my arm in pen. I was absolutely in love with how it looked and enjoyed having my arm look like a work of art. That’s what resurfaced my itch for the ink and it culminated in one night me drawing up a small tattoo to go on my inner arm. I decided I would go and get it the next day because why not? You’re young and there’s no time like the present. However I woke up the next morning feeling very anxious and unexcited about the prospect of getting the tattoo, in fact, I would say I was borderline hating the design I was so in love with the night before. It got me thinking why each time I plan to get a tattoo I always find a reason not to, even though I know I want the ink. I realized I had a fear of commitment.
Now I know what you’re thinking, it’s a big jump for me to assume I have commitment issues. However, the pit in my stomach when thinking about tattoos is the exact feeling I get when I start settling into a relationship. I feel trapped and out of control, like my freedom has been taken from me even though it hasn’t. One thing I do is start finding things wrong with the situation, be it the tattoo design or the significant other, as a way to give myself a valid exit plan. I have a book full of tattoo designs, three bigger pieces for the “future” and three smaller pieces that I could get right now at any tattoo shop. My favorite of which is rib piece of my family member’s constellations, yet every time I consider going to go get it I find something wrong. I look at my body and poke and prod at my side saying “I’m too chubby for this” as I pull at the flab its normal for a person to have. Normally I like how my body looks, but I use it as a reason to put off getting a tattoo I’ve wanted for years. I do the same thing in relationships, endearing qualities I normally would find cute I start to hate because I know those qualities are making me fall for the person. One time I told an ex-boyfriend, “Anytime I feel someone getting close to me I push them away” because for some odd reason I can’t feel tied down to anyone. However, that mentality has led me to be single and tattoo-less.
I think one day I’ll brace the needle and commit to having a permanent marking on my body. That day might not be today, or tomorrow, or in the near future, but I know that day is coming. I hope that one day I can get over my fear of commitment and stop pushing away people who try and get close to me. Because in reality, it’s not so bad to be tied down and stay grounded for a while.