- The Red Flag
- The Acceptance
- The Break Up
- The Make Up (repeat steps 3 and 4 several times)
- The End
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The Beginning
These are the elements of every toxic friendship and relationship that a person will find themselves in at least once in their lives. I, on the other hand, have found myself in the midst of a physically draining and emotionally exhausting relationship one too many times so I like to consider myself an expert. That’s not exactly something I am proud of but it is something I learn from and hope to help others do the same.
Now some of you may be thinking, “Wait, what is a toxic relationship and how do I know I’m in one?” I wish there was a simple answer for this, but there isn’t. Toxic relationships can present themselves in many different ways but I have come up with 3 types that are most common: the monster, the leech and the ghost.
The easiest to spot, ironically, is the ghost. The ghost will make appearances when it is beneficial for themselves but as soon as they can no longer gain from the situation they vanish, never to be heard from again. Well, that is until 2 A.M. when you get that “wyd?” text and we all know what that means.
The leech is quite the opposite of the ghost. The leech will be around all day, every day which initially may not seem like such a bad thing. The thing about the leech is that their presence is draining. They are demanding and often put their needs before yours. You may find yourself physically, emotionally or even financially exhausted and wondering how you got there. That’s the thing with the leech, when it’s over you’ll be left with nothing and they’ll have everything.
Finally, the monster, the worst of the three. The monster is the most dangerous because they are truly unrecognizable in the first stages of a relationship. They will be sweet, charming and affectionate but that does not last. Maybe it’s an argument or some harsh words that begin to reveal the wolf in sheep’s clothing. The truth slowly unravels as the monster grows stronger feeding off of your vulnerability and loyalty to the person they once were. The monster is manipulative and selfish and is the hardest to defeat, but trust me, it’s possible.
Identifying what type of toxic relationship you’re in may not start until the initial Red Flag. The Red Flag is the first sign that the relationship is not healthy. There are many variations of a Red Flag but overall, it is a betrayal. Maybe trust is broken, or words are used as ammunition, but suddenly the perfect image you once had of your relationship is shattered. It may take several Red Flags to finally get to the next step.
Then, comes the Acceptance. This step is not easy, You’ll make excuses for the other person, maybe even blaming yourself. You’ll go to your friends for support and advice that you won’t take. You’ll be stubborn and hopeful and that’s okay because you’re human. But eventually you’ll realize you deserve better and you’ll do what’s best, not because that’s what others tell you to do, but because you realize your worth.
The Break Up and the Make Up. These go hand-in-hand and sadly this is one of the longest and most draining parts of a toxic relationship. It’s a game of tug-of-war where no one wins. You’ll find the strength to finally close the door on this chapter of your life. You’ll lock the door but you’ll always look through the peep hole hoping to see them. They’ll find a way back into your life and you’ll allow them inside because they feel like home. You’ll forget about all the mean things they’ve said and the things they’ve done because although they no longer come up on your instagram feed, you can’t block the urge to want something that once made you so happy. Your friends will shake their heads in disapproval but they don’t know what love is right? This isn’t love. Love shouldn’t be this painful and once you realize that, you’ll move on to the next step.
The End. This is not just the part when you block them on every form of social media and avoid running into them on the way to class. This is when you’re truly done with them. Someone can say their name and you don’t wince because suddenly you remember all the good memories you had. Instead you remember them for who they are, the past, and you leave them there. You stop comparing everyone to them and the thoughts of what could’ve been don’t keep you up at night anymore. You sleep peacefully knowing that that chapter of your life is done and yes, you got some paper cuts on the way, but you can finally turn the page and continue your story.
The Beginning. Ending any relationship is hard. It’s like learning to ride a bike again but this time without the training wheels. Many people find themselves quick to move to another relationship or friendship as a way to cope with losing someone. My advice is to stop looking for someone to be your rock, be your own rock. Learn that you are good enough and you don’t need anyone to help you get through the day. The only love and validation you need is from yourself and once you learn that, you can continue to grow.