Earlier this semester a friend of mine asked a guy out on a date. I was shocked; I had never heard of a girl asking a guy out on a date or making the first move before. Imagine my surprise when she did it again a few weeks later after the first guy didn’t pan out. I praised her confidence and admitted that was something I didn’t think I could ever do.
“I saw what I wanted,” she said, “and I just went for it.”
Fast forward to about a week ago, a friend and I were talking about gender roles and how they played out in the dating world; specifically about who should pay the check. I don’t mind a guy paying the check, but that has more to do with being a broke college student than any particular feminist leanings. My friend, on the other hand, held firm to the belief that both girl and guy should contribute something.
“It’s circumstantial,” she said, “but I feel like girls get offended when guys don’t pay, but at the same time girls want to be respected as people who can stand on their own. I can pay for stuff, even if it’s just the tip. I can open my own door too.”
These two conversations, and others like them, made me realize something: there are prescribed roles in the dating world that are very hard to shake. As a straight girl with mostly straight friends, my experiences and views are limited, but I’ve seen the same situation happen time and time again. A girl waits for a guy to text her. A girl waits for a guy to ask her out. A girl waits for a guy to admit his feelings. A girl waits for a guy to kiss her. A girl waits for a guy to define the relationship. A guy always has to make the first move. It sends a subtle message: in the heterosexual dating world, guys are active and girls are passive. Guys do the pursuing, never the girls.
That’s the way I saw it, as well as most of the girls I know. We sit around waiting to be chosen and when we are we let the guy pay the bill and open our doors. But why? Why does it seem such an odd thing for a girl to ask a guy on a date? Why don’t more girls do it? Maybe it’s the fear of rejection. Or maybe the action of asking someone out on a date has become such a gendered activity that a girl asking a guy out would make her seem too assertive, too eager, too independent, less feminine and therefore less desirable?
When my friend told me that she made the first move I was shocked, but I was also envious. I was crushing hard on a guy at the time. I had been told by a friend that he was interested, but he still hadn’t made any attempt to ask me out. I wanted her confidence and as I sat there with her, I couldn’t help but feel so stupid. Why couldn’t I ask the guy I was crushing on out? Why did I have to sit in agony and wait? Because of some prescribed rule that says he has to make the first move? It was silly and a waste of time. All I had to do was send a text.
“The worst thing he can do is say no,” my friend said, “but that’s better than never knowing what could have happened.”
It took me about two weeks, during which I convinced myself and then unconvinced dozens of times, but I finally asked. And you know what? It was one of the most empowering things I have ever done. It might seem silly, but it felt good to have the power, to take initiative, to assert myself. It felt amazing to break a tradition by surrendering my passivity and making myself heard. It didn’t even matter anymore whether he said yes or no, it felt so good to break the mold. So, moral of the story: defy the norms that hold you down. If you want to ask a guy out, do it! Pay your own bill and open your own door if that is what makes you happy! Or if you prefer the traditional route, stick with it. Whatever you do, don’t let gender politics stop you from going after what you want. Life is too short to let gender roles keep you from sharing your awesomeness with whoever you choose to date.
Gifs Courtesy of Giphy