Ahhh spring break! I am in Rome and my parents are visting, which means I have plenty of time with my mom. Seeing her and some erotically-shaped pasta got me thinking about this old article that I wrote for the Manitou Messenger. Seeing her reminded me of it, and I thought it was worth a recyle.
Yes, talking to your parents about sex can be extremely awkward (my grandma still thinks my mom is a virgin and my dad still think I have never kissed a boy), but sometimes they have the best ways of giving advice. Although the anecdotes they give to you may seem a bit silly, they often hold true. Growing up my mom was notorious for her snippets of so-called advice, and over the years, I have started to use them, too…so, here are some of my favorite funny, true and often vulgar quotes and how they have actually helped me.
Disclaimer: Many of these topics are sweeping generalizations and stereotypes that have a facetious angle, and I realize that every person and situation is unique. However, there is truth within every stereotype, and I hope you find the humor in that.
“Boys have two things on their mind, food and sex. So, if they come knocking on your door after dinner DON’T ANSWER”
This is one of my favorites. Not only is it hilarious, but also it often rings true. Let’s face it, sex and food go hand in hand. Whether we go out to eat before hand, or refuel afterwards, they certainly are inseparable! Not only that, but this piece of advice has helped me understand boys and girls alike in the past. When my mom first told me this gem, I was in the backseat with my friends on our way to our first day of high school. I was mortified. The more I heard it (as in every time I would go out to eat with a boy) the more I discovered some truth in it. I found that on days that my significant other was…well… cranky, he often needed one of two things: either he needed to eat in order to satisfy his physical hunger, or he needed to satisfy another form of hunger… and quite frankly many girls are the same way. (Is there any truth to those Snickers commercials?) Seriously though, next time your boyfriend or girlfriend is down without cause ask they are hungry and then ask if they horny.
“Boys and girls both think with their heads…just different ones”
One of the more vulgar bits of advice. She has another version that says girls think with their hearts and boys think with their… you get the picture… but they both get to the same point, excuse the pun. This may sound sexist and yes it is a little biased seeing as my mom raised three daughters, but girls generally do invest more emotion and thought into our sexcapades (intentionally or unintentionally) than most guys do. It is just the way we are built and there are many studies that prove that. Of course, when these words of guidance were given to me, I still liked to think that everything was like the movies and people only had sex or even just kissed because they were in love. One day, I graduated from junior high and saw the real world. I dole this advice out very often. How often do you hear a girl upset that the boy she macked on at the legion hasn’t texted her? I realize that it was probably very romantic and all, but let’s be real: he wasn’t looking for his next girlfriend when he made his move and neither were you. Take it as a compliment to your stellar outfit that night and move on. However, I am guilty as charged; I have gotten worked up over a random make out sessions before. Now? I try to leave my emotions aside when I go out…it is way more fun that way. But to those who do follow up: way to go!
Concerning alcohol use… ”When they drink, boys get stupid and girls get slutty. This is never a good combination.”
Not much needs to be said about this one. We see it happen every weekend. This is always good to keep in mind when you go out. Know your respective tendency and be aware of how you might behave. Just for this reason alone it is always good to have some form of birth control! Regrets after a night out are the worst, so next time you and your friends are rehashing the morning after and he or she asks why that mistake happened last night. All you have to do is remind your friend of the affects of alcohol.
Now I leave you with some of the advice my mom has handed me over the years. Use them to lighten up an awkward conversation, take them to heart, or use them to explain your weekend. Oh! And one final quote for you to decode…. “Nothing good happens after midnight, then again.”