First and foremost, I’d like to say that this is a topic people have very strong feelings about, and this is my take on it and by no means am I insinuating this is how you should approach it always; I’m always open to hearing different perspectives and I hope that’s why you’re here reading mine.
There’s a continuing debate of why or why not to have sex/live together before marriage. And in this article I’d like to touch on the first point, and why I firmly believe being sexually active before marriage can be a good idea, and especially with a significant other.
Often times hearing or reading couples’ stories of why they’re waiting gives me secondhand anxiety. Questions about their relationship always relate back to this pivotal day (their wedding) and how it made everything so much better after the day they got married..Frankly dating is so amazing and falling in love is the best part; the day two people get married can be a special one too no doubt! But it is a celebration of unity not a finish line. When asked about some of your favorite memories together, authenticity shines when a couple recalls something that highlights a goofy or sincere aspect that strengthens the foundation of their relationship. Of course the moment you see each other walking down the aisle is beautiful and your wedding night will probably be great, but I hope that there are more unplanned moments leading up to this day that are close to your heart. They don’t have to be the height of romance either, that scene in 500 days of summer where Tom and Summer are running around IKEA (you know the one) illustrates sometimes ordinary things with someone you’re crazy about beats candles and roses. Yes I AM AWARE of the ending of that movie..don’t remind me, but the point is that dating is just the best!!!
Many times a boy or girl will say something along the lines of “and we knew we couldn’t spend much time alone because we didn’t want to risk it”…This is sure exercising self discipline, which is a quality many arguably need to work on nowadays. But limiting alone time is losing a critical aspect of being in a relationship! Needing to be surrounded by friends and not learning how to be alone together can later prove harmful to how two people communicate and how they later function as a team with or without kids.
The inclusion of faith in a relationship is admirable, but “because the bible says so” sounds like a line of defense and not something YOU truly believe in and your love for God drives you to do, abstinence should above all be something you are very passionate about and not something you consider a rule in being a “good christian”. Guidelines such as not eating meat on Fridays is a tradition that I can get behind- you don’t have to personally be passionate about it/be a vegeterian, but understanding it’s a small work of charity and participating is inherently good; but larger themes most importantly LOVE is something you commit to first the reasoning then the act.
I fully support people who practice abstinence when they start with “it’s what I believe”, but not when it’s “it’s what I’m told to do”. You can tell a kid not to eat candy for breakfast and they won’t, but the second that kid is on his/her own in a dorm, you can bet you’ll find them chowing down swedish fish at 9 AM. Abstinence can be a healthy thing for certain individuals, but practicing it without understanding its value and only putting self-restraint into play means somewhere down the line you will have an unhealthy relationship towards sex. Yes, you can have feelings of confusion and doubt about sex while in a marriage. Insecurity is fostered by lack of surety, sadly roughly 50% of marriages end in divorce, lasting love isn’t 100% guaranteed.
Wanting to be each others’ “first”s is cute on the surface, but underneath the sentiment resides this entitlement; another person’s body is of no less value after sex. “Giving 100% of yourself” isn’t exclusive to mashing your genitalia together (sorry for being crude, but that’s literally what we’re talking about here) it incites you being present for one another in mind, body, and spirit, and abstinence can prevent couples from connecting on all levels before marriage making it a rough go around when they realize it isn’t meant to be after they are married. Shame should not drive someone to abstain from sex, especially if they are curious about it as a single individual, I think exploration is so important and invaluable to growing into who you are. It saddens me to see people are abstinent “because of what it did to my friends”, this is like saying you won’t get your license because you know people get in wrecks. Yes, you can be hurt if you rush into sex or mix-up love and sex, but at its core it is human nature to have sex for pleasure not solely procreation (dolphins I think are the only other animal that have sex for reasons other than procreating and I think those guys are much smarter than us anyways). It’s important to not put your friends on display as evidence for your own decisions, they deserve your discretion, support, and understanding!
Hearing the story of waiting that is told as a love story doesn’t always fit the bill, the foundation of why two people are a good fit is more why they belong together and not how they think they need to be.
Bottomline: I think sex is kind of like reading a book, it can open your eyes to things you couldn’t see before and really fill your heart, it can be a thrilling page turner with a great plot but not necessarily something you would want to pick up again, and sometimes you can’t get past the first page you just can’t get into it.. even though you really loved the cover. It just depends on the book.
It’s about the person you’re with, not when you do it, and I don’t think God turns a blind eye after “I do”. I think people are inherently worthy, inherently good, not seeking God’s approval because frankly I think they have it. What’s standard isn’t always right, morality needs to eventually come from your core and not external sources. Ladies especially buy into the idea that there is shame in sex, that somehow if you have sex with more than one person that lowers your inherent value and reasoning/common sense? That’s something I won’t blindly trust and know in my heart is an old-fashioned falsehood.
I’m gonna go read a really good book now.