I was never the girl that was always in a relationship. My freshman year of high school I began to compare the attention I received from boys to different girls in my grade. I constantly played games in my mind that sounded something like – “Oh, [insert boy name here] talked to you longer today. He must think you’re prettier than her”, or “Ugh, he noticed her more than you today, what did you do wrong?” It was a never-ending cycle that began my long battle with basing my worth and value off of the opinions other people had of me (especially boys).
For the next two years, I continued to search for any ounce of male affirmation that I possibly could. Finding it in looks, words, actions or simple cues that might indicate they were interested. I was delighted to gain the attention of a boy I had sought after for a couple of years. We began dating in the winter of my junior year in high school, but a revelation became abundantly clear the moment we became a couple.
I am worth more than any man’s depiction of me.
At the moment in my life where I had gained the utmost of any boy’s regard, I discovered my value was not contingent upon other people’s judgment of me, but how I viewed my own self-worth. If I was not satisfied with the person I saw in the mirror every morning, there was a flaw within my own person, not in the assumptions of others. In this newfound knowledge, I began my relationship with a different perspective that has kept my high-school boyfriend and me together for almost four years now; knowledge I want to be able to share with other girls who find themselves in a compromising situation with a boy who does not observe them in the respect they deserve.
If you are a girl who is currently dating, or about to be in a relationship and notice any of these red flags, please consider your well-being above the relationship. It is not okay for you to devalue yourself to be content with a label.
He mocks your goals or ambitions.
If your significant other is not 110 percent supportive of your aspirations, drop him now. If you are on the path you have always dreamed of, and he begins to question or make fun of the work you plan to accomplish, the future is not promising. If he is not willing to trust your ambitions in the current phase, there is no foundation to build trust in other aspects of the relationship later on.
He tries to control what you wear/or treats your appearance as a transaction.
Let’s say it’s a Friday night. You two are about to head out to either grab dinner or go downtown, and you decide to wear the new dress that hugs your curves in all the right places. As he’s picking you up, he makes a snarky comment regarding how “revealing” your dress is, or how you are asking for something to be done wearing “that.” This indicates that he does not fully respect you, or your body. It is important to recognize what most would consider a hint of jealousy, as him viewing your body as something to be bartered, not honored.
He only talks about him and does not listen to you.
Don’t get me wrong. It is important for the two of you to equally share things about yourselves, but if the weight of the conversation falls solely on his issues, that’s a major problem. If he genuinely doesn’t take the time to listen to your rant about the professor who did you wrong, or takes the opportunity to interject about a problem he had, that signifies the true value that he sees in your troubles or triumphs.
He places your worth more heavily on your appearance.
Girl, you are gorgeous. You don’t have to have a man’s approval to confirm that, however it is still refreshing to be told so. But, if he is fixed solely on how beautiful you are or how well you fill out those jeans – there is probably a lack of respect for the rest of your attributes. Especially if you question him about the things he likes most about you and that list includes only your external features, there may be an ulterior motive present in the relationship.
He expects to be compensated back for dates or gifts.
If you have a boy who takes you out on a date and automatically expects something in return later on – that is a big NO. Your relationship is not based on compensation. If he offers to take you out, there is a fine-line of knowledge that you are not obligated to give anything in return. Whether it is a first date, or you have been together for years: it is never okay to feel indebted whenever he spends money on you.
These conditions are only a few of what could signify a boy’s wrongful interpretation of your worth. If you find any of these falls within the context of your relationship, please consider your worth and value above the popular label of having a boyfriend. It is important to realize that just because you are single, does not mean that you are not surrounded by friends and family who know just how flawless you really are.