1. Re-download Temple Run
Take your mind off the fact that he hasn’t responded to your three-paragraph message about the political climate by seeking comfort in the 2011 hit iPhone game, Temple Run. The obstacles you overcome in the game will make you feel successful, despite the magnitude of the obstacles you face in real life.
2. Read “The Handmaid’s Tale”
This powerful novel by Margaret Atwood will make you re-evaluate your priorities and put your problems in context. You won’t worry about whether or not he’s ignoring you when you’re reading a novel about female genital mutilation as punishment for disobedience. Thanks, Margaret!
3. Watch “The Handmaid’s Tale”
Don’t have the patience to read a novel in which people are hanged for being LGBTQ? Watch it on Hulu instead. The vividly-painted dystopian future is still as horrifyingly possible as in the novel but, Rory from Gilmore Girls is in it. Just be sure to keep a stress ball or counselor nearby.
4. Plan out exactly what you’ll say when he does text back
Maybe he’ll respond with, “hey sorry i fell asleep lmao” or, “haha yeah.” Maybe he’ll send the crying-laughing emoji or a dick pic. Who knows? Be prepared by making an excel spreadsheet of every possible text he could send and your responses to each one.
5. Delete his number
You’ve had it. It’s been three and a half hours, and he still hasn’t responded. He doesn’t have his read receipts on so you don’t actually know if he’s seen it yet, but obviously he has. Who doesn’t check their phone for three and a half hours? You deserve better than this. You deserve instant gratification. Don’t put up with his shit. Delete his number.
6. Play Solitaire
Since you’re going to be alone forever, you might as well embrace it. Call your mom and ask her what that card game she plays when no one will talk to her is. Solitaire is easy, time-consuming, and literally translates to “solitary” which basically means unwanted, unappreciated, and unloved. No big deal.
7. Sleep with his roommate
Nothing will remind him that you exist quite like him walking in on you having sex with the one person he has to see every day for the rest of the year. Not only will he remember you but he’ll also get an idea of what you look like naked (i.e., super hot). Nothing could go wrong with this plan.
8. Repeat the mantras from “The Help” to yourself in the mirror
You never read the book but, in the movie, that woman tells that little girl, “You is smart. You is kind. You is important.” You are all of those things. Wipe off the mascara trails and scream it from the rooftops. You is smart. You is kind. You is important. And nobody can tell you otherwise.
9. Smash something
Relieve your stress, anger, and anxiety through chaotic destruction. Maybe that vase? But then you’d have to clean up the glass and maybe you won’t get it all and then what if you get a glass sliver in your foot walking to bed in the dark? How about that bookshelf? But technically it has to be in good shape since it’s property of the university and you don’t know if they actually fine you for damaged property at the end of the year, but they probably do. I guess just…throw your pillow against the wall?
10. Double-text him
No one cares. Fuck the system.