I am a known movie crier, but I read “Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda” with dry eyes, so I figured this movie would be safe. It was not. This is not a date movie. This is especially not a first date movie. Maybe for the bold, or pretty criers who own waterproof mascara, but if you don’t fall into those categories, perhaps consider seeing the movie with friends. Close friends. I make these mistakes so you guys won’t have to.
1. Simon Coming Out to Abby
This one was my fault. The movie had been really gentle with me and I trusted it too much, but hearing Simon utter the words “I’m gay” out loud to his friend in a parked car, searching for the right words and unsure of what reaction to expect? Too realistic by far. The sudden rush of pride and adrenaline and nostalgia caught me unaware.
Tears: Barely noticeably, excusable as allergies, no one is suspicious. Yet.
2. Simon Learning He’s Been Outed
This one was a little my fault, but I mostly blame whatever gene makes me a sympathetic crier. Also to blame: Nick Robinson and every director and acting coach he’s ever had. I felt like I was holding my breath through this whole scene, which is fitting I suppose.
Tears: I’m toeing the line here, I can still blink rapidly, look towards the heavens accusingly, and hope for the best. But everyone knows that once you give yourself away by wiping your face, the jig is up.
3. Simon Coming Out to His Dad
Now we’re headed into definitely-not-my-fault territory. Seeing Simon’s dad, who’s been established as a sort of rough-around-the-edges accidental homophobe, accept Simon for who he is and apologize for his behavior was definitely intended to make me cry. Watching a man show any form of remorse for his actions is like a bowl of ice cream on a summer’s afternoon, but seeing a “tough” father allowed to cry and hug his son is a whole sundae and I’m a weak woman.
Tears: I’ve wiped my face. I’m past the point of no return. But all is not lost, my breathing is still even, my nose is mostly clear and I can still come off cute and a little sensitive. Maybe.
4. Simon Coming Out to His Mom
Whoever wrote this scene can honestly meet me in court alongside whoever casted Jennifer Garner. This was by far the sweetest reaction to a coming out I’ve ever seen on the big screen, and it’s so important that people get to see that, that gay kids get an all around happy ending for once, and that parents see what acceptance can look like. I mean who in the theatre is sitting there stone faced while a mother assures her son that he deserves everything he wants? If you are on a date and they aren’t crying, this should be your last date.
Tears: The ugly part. The sniffling. Incessantly pawing at my eyes. My pride and my concealer leaving the building hand in hand. There’s no coming back from this.
5. “Blue” Coming Out to Simon
Yeah, I don’t know why I thought I wouldn’t sob during this movie when I knew this scene was in it. I thought I would stare dry-eyed at a Black Jewish gay boy getting a happy ending. My hubris was my ultimate demise.
Tears: It’s a good thing the movie is over. I can’t see anything, I’ve fogged my glasses up, and I’m now veering close to dehydration. This moment could have genuinely ended my life, so I suppose I should be grateful it only murdered my reputation.