The ultimate oxymoron in my eyes is an extrovert with severe social anxiety. Yet, I live that reality day in and day out. I have always been outgoing, loud, talkative etc. In elementary school, I was constantly reprimanded for talking too much and had to turn my card from green to yellow more times than I could count. (Did anyone else have this system? Where you had a green yellow and red card. Green was good, yellow was a warning, and red meant you were in big trouble.)
As I got older I started to envy the kids that could sit in class without raising their hands, quietly participating and most importantly never calling attention to themselves. Throughout my high school years, I would try to force myself to be the quiet student. The one that kept to themselves and did what they needed to do and nothing more. I would sit in class and tell myself that when the teacher asked a question I was not going to raise my hand. If there was a debate going on in class, I would promise myself that I would not engage. Not surprisingly, I failed. A question would be asked, a topic would be brought up, and without giving it a second thought I would eagerly jump in and give my opinion or answer.
The minute I was done talking I would glance around the room and think, “Everybody thinks I am dumb. Why did I say that? Now people are going to hate me for talking too much and being too loud.”
When I entered college I couldn’t wait to meet new people. Striking up conversations with strangers, introducing myself, putting myself out there for others to interact with; these are things that feel second nature to me. Yet, the level of anxiety I have afterward is astronomical. I run through the conversations I have in my head over and over again praying that I didn’t say anything that would make this person I just met, hate me forever.
College comes with parties, movie nights, studying in groups, going out with friends. I love all of these things. I love going out with my friends, having awesome conversations with other people and honestly just being around others gives me energy. It fuels my brain, makes me feel connected.
At the same time, this connection terrifies me. I constantly question whether something I said or did would be interpreted the wrong way. This all sounds very confusing, right? A person who wants to be around people, but is scared of being around people, but is good at being around people, but isn’t good at being around people?
Yeah. It confuses me too.
Honestly, I never even thought I had social anxiety. It wasn’t until this year when I had a conversation with my therapist did she explain that you can still be extroverted and have this fear with you constantly.
The best way I can shed some light on this is something I realized I did only a couple of days ago. Whenever I leave any conversation that I participate in, I am convinced that once I am out of earshot people are discussing me, and how much I suck (I tried to find a better word, but honestly this is the one that fits the most in my opinion.)
It sounds selfish and unrealistic, right? In reality, people have much more important things to discuss than me. The logical part of me knows this. The anxiety part doesn’t.
That feeling of panic, of doom, of the world, ending and your heart racing and your thoughts racing and your hands sweating and your body shaking and your mind blanking and and and and and and…That is true anxiety, and that is the kind of anxiety I feel in social situations. Social situations that I actually like to be in, but actually I don’t, but actually I do.
Being an extroverted person with social anxiety is exhausting. It is a constant fight between the core of your personality. It is what determines who you are and how you see the world, and this changes constantly. For all you college kids out there who are like me. I feel your pain I really do. You are definitely not alone in this struggle, and although I don’t have any wisdom to offer I will leave you with this one parting thought, something that helps me time and time again. Everyone is a little selfish, and as a result, you are probably the last thing on their mind most of the time. It sounds harsh but to someone with social anxiety, this statement is oddly comforting.