A friend asked me a question that everyone wonders at one point or time in their lives...
"Why do people cheat?"
There is no single answer to this question, because there are a variety of reasons why someone feels that they need to go outside their relationship to get what they want. But there is one thing that is the lining to all reason that everyone needs to understand.
There is dissatisfaction somewhere in the relationship that led to the infidelity and deception.
Granted, whether that dissatisfaction lies in the relationship itself, the lack of freedom, the feeling of losing their identity, or even doing it for attention, there is a list of reasons why someone feels that they need to go outside of their relationship to find the satisfaction, attention or power they need or want.
People do not go out to cheat when they are in a loving relationship. Either they do not cheat at all, or they find a justification to cheat when given the opportunity. And cheating is not limited to the physical...it can stretch to the emotional.
If your partner is cheating on your emotionally, and calling someone else to tell them about their rough day and shoves you to the side when you try to understand them, you have a bigger problem on your hands.
But when it comes to both emotional and physical, I have been on all sides of the fence.
I have been cheated on a few times. For reasons like I wasn't given the goods, I refused to do certain things, or I was so invested in school and work that they wanted the attention from someone. And some relationships ended as soon as the truths came to the surface and others got a second chance...depending on the "why" of the cheating. But at the end of the day, I valued my time, myself and the integrity of my relationship too high to stay with someone who did not feel the same way.
I have cheated on someone, one time. And I did not feel great about it. I felt so terrible about it, that I broke things off with my then boyfriend the next morning because I knew that the only reason I cheated was because there was something missing in our relationship that I had tried repeatedly to manifest, but with no luck, I found it elsewhere. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone that I had to keep secrets from and couldn't make the impossible become the possible. In that situation, "It's not you, it's me" was a true statement.
I have been the girl that the guy cheated on his girlfriend with twice: one knowingly, and one unknowingly.
The time I was the "other girl" knowingly, I didn't care about his girlfriend, even how terrible it sounds. I was the first girl he loved, I was still the girl that he called and divulged all his feelings too, and we were closer than his current girl was. She was just a road bump in his eyes, and neither of us respected the relationship because she did not try to know him like he needed...and she underestimated the strength of being able to listen. He cheated on her more emotionally then he did physically, which, I feel, is the worst of the two.
The time I was the "other girl" unknowingly, and I found out he had a girl. I was more than upset. I was pissed! I took the high road and did not blow up his spot. But I did tell him about himself, and I did ex-communicate him.
So what do you do if you are being cheated on? What do you do if you’re cheating on someone? What do you do if you’re the person that is the third wheel of a two person relationship?
If you are being cheated on and find out, don't blow up. Don't call all your cousins. Don't burn everything. Try, instead, to find out why they cheated. This may save your relationship, or give you a reason to exit out of it. But you at least know why it happened; you can make sure to not make the same mistake in the future. It may hurt at first, but use it as a learning experience, and understand that it isn't you that cheated, it was them, so don't blame yourself for someone else's decisions.
If you are doing the cheating, you should ask yourself why you are and if losing the person you are cheating on is worth losing if they find out. You cannot blame that person for your actions, and the way you are feeling. If you are missing something in your relationship, you need to communicate what that is. If you can't fix what that is, determine if that thing missing is a "need" in your relationship to make you happy, or if that is a "want" that you feel will make it better. You don't trash a good relationship over a "want" but maybe you are not with that right person if you don't have your "needs" fulfilled.
If you are making a relationship a threesome, you should ask yourself if it is worth playing in the shadows with this person. It probably is not worth it if you have feelings for the person. You never want to put yourself in the position to be willing to take a backseat to someone else when you have front seat feelings. Don't play yourself. A person will not jump from one relationship to be in another. And if they cheated on their girl/guy with you, what makes you think they won't do it to you?
