Dating as an Indian can be summarized in two categorizes. Either you’re too old and you should have been married yesterday or you’re too young and you can’t even look at the opposite sex until you’re ready to get married. Marriage is literally the most important thing that will ever happen in life if you are Indian. Seriously, our weddings are like a week too long. Dating is one of those grey areas that I feel is probably the biggest conflict among immigrant parents and Western born children. Back in the old days (and in some cases today) parents pick a suitable spouse for their children based on what they thought was best for their kids. Both my parents met each other on their wedding day (but that’s a story for a different article). Personally, I don’t even let my parents pick my clothes, do you really think I would allow them to pick my husband?
Times have changed since my parents were in their 20’s. Now more and more Indians are embracing dating culture and really getting to know their partners before taking the plunge. Despite these changes, it is still really hard to be dating as an Indian. My mom and dad have made it very clear I was not to look at boys, talk to boys. or even think about a boy until I graduated university. And while I love to obey and follow all my parent’s rules, as a 20-something year old woman, I have needs, wants, and desires. I can’t supress my womanly urges because my parents told me so. Growing up with strict Indian parents, I found a way to find loopholes in their rules. If you have strict parents like mine, maybe these little loopholes can help you have a life without getting in trouble with your parents.
1. Say “It’s for school”
It’s the oldest trick in the book; parents take school far too seriously, no matter what your cultural background is. You could literally say you need $100 for a group project and parents will fork over the money, no questions asked. If you want to hang out with someone you have a crush on, the best tactic to bypass your parents’ strict rules are to ask to study with them. This works every single time; not only will it bring your GPA up, but you’ll also enjoy studying for once.
2. Go on group dates
I know this seems so high-school. But when your parents still view you as a 13-year-old, you might as well use this to your advantage. Group dates really aren’t that bad especially when you guys have mutual friends. Some great options include: bowling, dinners, playing sports, etc.! Get creative! One of my favourite group date memories (not my own date, I was just a 5th wheel that was invited) was playing laser tag. Everyone had a great time, it wasn’t awkward, and it really was a lot of fun. Going out with a group of people can really ease your parents’ minds; they wont assume what you’ll be up to. As my mom likes to say, “silly stuff”. This kind of leads into loophole 3.
3. Always have someone to cover your back
Growing up with such strict rules can be very isolating. You may feel like you have no life and you may resent your parents a little bit for it. I sure did (which is probably why I was goth in high school for 3 months). Thankfully, I had some kick-ass girlfriends who always had my back when I was trying to live a little. Of course, my parents knew I was up to something (parents always know!), but the fact that I wasn’t seeing a guy alone or had told my friends what was really going on (and my friends always had my best interests at heart), gave my parents the reassurance they needed.
4. Date from the comfort of your home
This seems like an odd thing to do, but it’s actually a lot more common than you think. With the advancement of technology, you can do more than just call or text someone you have a crush on… you can Facetime, Snapchat, WhatsApp, Skype etc. With the technology we have today, we can be in contrast communication with someone and get to know someone on a very intimate and personal level. Ever heard of the saying “you’re different in person than you are online”? It’s true, people are more likely to be relaxed and carefree online than in person.
On a side note, this could be a great method to build a friendship with someone before jumping into a relationship with them. A friend of mine who is very shy, would often game share with her now boyfriend and play games with him to build the confidence to talk to him in person. Also great for all the people out there with overprotective parents. Get to know someone on an intimate level without even having to leave your house.
5. Open the conversation with your parents.
Sneaking behind your mom and dad’s back is the easiest way to date, but it’s not always the best. The constant lies, elaborate plans, (not to mention it could get exhausting for you and the other person involved), make it less appealing. And if I’m being honest, deep down, you end up feeling a little guilty and if you eventually want a serious relationship, you’re going to have to tell your parents the truth one way or another.
Talk to your mom and dad, open up a conversation that you are not a child anymore, and you are also not living in 1994. It might be painful and awkward at first, but at the end of the day, no matter how many crazy rules and traditions your parents impose on you, they love you. Traditions can be broken, but a parents love for a child is unbreakable.