Meet Ainsley Andrews. She is a fun loving, passionate, go-getting, beer-drinking, pizza-eating goofball who just so happens to be a transfer student from Douglas College, and one of my good friends. Yes, I am claiming possession of her. She’s lovely and perfect, and for this reason, I would love to introduce her to all of you lovely people.
First of all, be nice to her! She may seem different, but she’s just the same as you or I. This is her first official semester here at SFU, so help me make her feel at home.
Here’s my plan: You now all know what she looks like (please refer to profile shot) which is step one. Look at it. Memorize it. And if all else fails, look for girl in the UGG boots, bun (brunette), and sweatpants. (I love you Ainsley.) Step two – once you see her, yell at her, trip her, throw food at her, or jump on her back. (It’s how I greet her, and she seems to like it.)
To kick off Ainsley’s Q&A I asked her, perhaps, the most obvious, tedious, and boring question in the book. But hey, it needed to be asked.
Ainsley. Beautiful, dear, adorable Ainsley. Who are you?
“Man. Right out of the gates like that?! I thought we were friends? That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it? There should be a ‘Figuring Out Who You Are As A Human In This Large World 101.'”
Why SFU?
“Honestly, I didn’t even question it. It was something that was simply always at the back of my mind. It helps that it’s so close to home, and a lot of my friends go here and they seem to have a lot of fun… unless it’s all been just one huge ruse to get me here. And now they murder me…”
How was the transfer process?
“It’s been a blast so far, but also extremely nerve racking. I was terrified the first week; absolutely terrified. Luckily I have some awesome friends who were willing to show me around. They saved my life.”
Hobbies?
“Sleeping, eating, and drinking beer. I also enjoy continuously challenging myself. For example, I always try to push myself to lengthen my binge watching sessions on Netflix. I just want to be the best person I can be.”
What is your major?
“I haven’t declared, just yet, but it’s shaping up to look like I will major in English. I want to be a teacher though, so it’s okay.”
What is your plan for the future?
“My hope is to one day be an elementary schoolteacher. Maybe win the lottery. Marry Skye. (Don’t include me marrying you.)”
If you were stranded on a island, what would you bring with you? Choose THREE and only three.
“Beer. Beer is an absolute necessity. And a toothbrush, I guess. Cause…gross. Now, what do you think would be better to bring – chocolate or a boat? Am I allowed to bring a boat? Here’s the thing, like transportation… but the hunger would be real. Okay, how about a boat filled with boxes of chocolate?”
On average, how many times a week do you hurt yourself trying to dance in the shower?
“Honestly, I’d have to say that my biggest struggle is actually the motion of getting into the shower itself. Wait…hear me out. You see, the thing is – my shower is in a bathtub, so getting in is a challenge in and of itself! Somehow I need to strategically lift my leg high enough to clear the metal bar, whilst simultaneously jamming out to (let’s face it) Justin Bieber. So, I fall…a lot.”
What’s the most money you’ve ever drunkenly spent at McDonald’s?
“I think you would be more impressed with the money I’ve spent while sober at McDonald’s.”
Who would you let punch you directly in the face?
“Someone with a broken hand.”
How old were you when you realised Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny probably never actually knew one another in real life?
“Twenty-three, thanks for ruining this for me Skye.”
Can you fit your whole fist in your mouth?
“LOL NO. Can you? Honestly, I’ve tried and it’s a no-go.”
How many donuts are you capable of eating in one sitting?
“I have to be honest here, not just for myself but also for the readers. Here’s the thing, I can eat a lot of donuts. Like… it would probably blow your mind. But they would have to be the good kind, take honey dip for example. Or else, it’s just not worth it. Plus, healthy living, am I right?”
Say there’s like a whole box of Teddy Grahams in a room all by themselves. Say I left them there and told you not to eat any until I got back. How long would it take you to disobey my wishes?
“Well, it depends, are they the boring, plain ones? Or, are they the ones with the delicious chocolate chips in them? Because if they are…game over. So, immediately? Yes. It would take me as long to disobey your wishes, as it took me to discern what kind they are. Final answer. I’m sorry; I’m weak and ashamed. (Just kidding, they were delicious and you didn’t get any!)”
If I gave you $10 bucks to go buy me chocolate milk, and it only cost $3, would you bring me all the change or would you tell me it was actually $10? Because I’ll know. I’ll know chocolate milk doesn’t cost that much.
“I would bring you back the change. I’m not evil. Wait…unless I was craving candy that day. In that case I would then proceed to buy candy, but like, I would buy you your favorites and share, so it’s okay. But yeah, no change. We can hug instead?”
So there you have it folks. SFU’s newest addition, Ainsley Andrews, is clearly a force not to be reckoned with. And if you don’t watch her closely, she will eat all your Teddy Grahams. So remember what we talked about – if you see her, jump on her, yell at her, trip her, or throw food at her. And Ainsley, welcome to SFU!