With December comes Christmas. With Christmas comes gift-giving. With gift-giving comes the most stressful and unfortunate shopping experiences of your adult life. Here is a list of the five people who make Christmas shopping feel like getting a lobotomy.
1. The S.O.
So, it’s approximately two months into this relationship and now I am expected to buy some deep and meaningful gift, which will define all future gift-giving situations and, therefore, affect the relationship as a whole for the rest of my entire life (or rather, until we break up)? No, thank you.
2. The Boss
“I’m not expected to buy a gift for my boss, right? Of course not.”
But then Susie McPerfectemployee comes strutting in with her perfect hair and her stupid perfect clean uniform, holding a perfect rectangular monstrosity that is topped with a perfect bow. It’s sparkly and red and aesthetically pleasing. Must. Beat. Susie McPerfectemployee. Now I have to find a gift that is within the range of “normal gift to give your employer” and “best gift a human has ever received.” Excuse me while I go cry.
3. The Party Host
I receive an invitation for a holiday party on Facebook and it looks like it may include free food, so I click “attending.” A couple weeks later, I am heading out the door in a holiday sweater and a pair of stretchy pants (aka eating pants, aka Joey’s Thanksgiving pants, aka pants that will still be comfortable after consuming ten gingerbread cookies) and my mother asks what gift I will be bringing for the hostess. Is this a thing? Why did nobody tell me until now? Panic ensues. Next thing I know I am already a half-hour late for the party, in the liquor store, deciding if anyone will notice the fact that I am bringing a bottle of wine that costs $11.29.
4. The Secret Santa
I’m broke, but sure, let’s all spend $30 to buy everyone cliché gifts from some store, which smell strongly of about fifty different perfumes. Or maybe you’ll be lucky enough to receive some bad chocolate. I propose that we all just buy each other alcohol because isn’t that what we would all be spending our money on anyway?
5. The Half Friend
Personally, I’ve found that there are four specific categories of people who you come in contact with regularly: The Best Friend, The Friend, The Half Friend, The Person Who You Lent A Pencil To Once And Who Never Returned It. The Best Friend will naturally receive a gift. You are close enough with The Friend to tell her whether or not you will get her a present. The Person Who You Lent A Pencil To Once will obviously receive a nicely written letter asking FOR YOUR PENCIL BACK. But then, there is The Half Friend. The most dreaded of all the gift-giving situations has arrived. Perhaps this friend has made a sly, anxiety-inducing comment about giving you something. Maybe this girl has talked about “getting together” over the holiday break (say no, don’t do it!). Whatever the case, buy a Starbucks gift card to have on hand for all gift-giving emergencies.
The winter holidays are a break from school, which we all deserve greatly, but these humans on your Christmas list make writing exams seem like a piece of cake. Personally, I have decided to burn all of my Christmas decorations and run away. You are all welcome to join me as I seek refuge on top of Mount Crumpit.