Dear Taylor Swift,
First of all, I would like to congratulate you on the successful debut of your latest album, Red. Selling over two million copies has got to be something you’re proud of. The night your album was released, my Facebook feed was temporarily granted a political reprieve as Democrats and Republicans alike reveled in your new music.
From the occasional interview of yours I read from time to time, it is clear you enjoy falling in love. Apparently it usually happens sometime in between the appetizer and main course of your first date. Which, I must say, is kind of impressive. In the time it takes me to realize I have forgotten a girl’s name, you’re already thinking baby names and how you’re going to convince him to take your last name. Your aplomb is truly admirable, and you have got to be the biggest optimist in Hollywood these days.
Which leads me to say how terribly sorry I am that your whirlwind of a romance with your high school beau, Connor Kennedy, did not end up being everlasting. I cannot imagine the heartache of ending a three-month relationship, especially after going through the hassle of purchasing a house on the same street as him (which I’m sure was a mutual decision… right?). But, as a fan, I have to ask: you did know you were dating a Kennedy, didn’t you? They are arguably the unluckiest of powerful families in the history of the United States. How did you think your romance was going to end?
From my perspective, the writing was on the wall. For every song you write about the virtues of love, there are three or four extolling the merits of not being in love, of you getting burned (or vice versa), the joys of being single, or how much guys/relationships suck. If my significant other consistently brought up past relationships in song, we might have an issue as well.
Recently, there was a Thought Catalog article where the author basically calls you out on your flippant romantic life. Did you consistently pick up your high school boy toy in a private jet so you could be together? I don’t know. Maybe he’s right. Maybe you are a psycho. Or maybe you are one of the greatest self-promoters ever. Maybe instead of using your love life to inspire your music, you use your music to inspire your love life. Maybe you constantly fall in and out of relationships simply so you can write a “personal album” about your experiences. Whenever it’s time for new music, it must be time for a new boyfriend. Lather, rinse, repeat as necessary. A little internet research tells me that since 2008 (the year you really became famous) you have had five serious boyfriends, none lasting close to a year. Forbes estimates your wealth to be around $165,000,000. College math tells me you’re netting $33 million a boyfriend. And considering that the roller coaster that is your romantic life is basically all you ever sing about, I would say you’re coming out on top, as there are now rumors of you dating some guy from One Direction. We all know you could do better, but hey, for $33,000,000 who isn’t a little flexible in the romance department?
Please feel free to let me know if this is, in fact the case. It will be our little secret.