Name: Steven Kibbey
Year: Senior
Major: International Business/Asian Studies/Chinese Language
Hometown: Warren, Pennsylvania
Relationship Status: Single and ready to mingle but ready to be taken and looking for bacon
Are you stressed out from the April attack that is taking over your studies and social life? Take a break for some comic relief and read all about my friend Steven. He’s a class act with those baby-blue eyes whose last name also translates as a traditional Lebanese dish. But, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
HC: Have you ever ridden on the conveyer belt on third floor Denaples?
SK: No.
HC: If not, what is your biggest achievement so far at Scranton?
SK: Stealing three rusty spoons from third floor DeNaples over the course of three meals.
HC: What is one thing you would tell your freshman self?
SK: For the love of God, DO NOT Instagram DM a girl at 2:15AM…it never works. Also, learn poetry, apparently girls actually like sensitivity and intellect. And the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
HC: How do you plan to make the most out of the last few weeks in college?
SK: By demanding a recount of the Mr. Scranton competition. Bejay had a flu the night before and came back all the way from the hospital to sing for us. You guys just don’t know true talent. His rendition of Sorry is only superseded by his ability to really work the crowd and get people on their feet. A true visionary.
HC: Do you consider yourself a younger Kobe Bryant?
SK: I’m more of a white Larry Bird.
HC: If not, who is your role model?
SK: Crazy Steven from Drake and Josh. He just seems to have it all figured out.
HC: Kanye West or Drake?
SK: Toe nail clippings or chalk dust? Exactly.
HC: What is your favorite Disney Channel original movie?
SK: It’s between the Boy in the Striped Pajamas and Schindler’s List.
HC: What is the best part about being on the Crew team?
SK: The perfect excuse to take my shirt off for three hours of the day.
HC: What is your best quality?
SK: My strange ability to turn a no into a yes… “what’s up?” *Nods head*
HC: What is your best feature?
SK: Besides my webbed toes which help me swim like a manatee, I would have to say my traps. My mother told me I could be anything I wanted to be so I became a cobra.
HC: What is your favorite spot on campus?
SK: Public bathroom on first floor GLM.
HC: What makes a girl most attractive to you?
SK: Honestly it’s just their general scent. After a few sniffs I decide if she’s the one.
HC: What is your favorite bodily function?
SK: Peristalsis: the involuntary muscle contractions of the smooth muscle that lines the esophagus and sends food deeper down my gullet.
There you have it, folks.