The first time I saw myself in the mirror, with defined abs and a slim waist, I craved something more than pizza. Suddenly in a millisecond, I wanted something more than I needed food. And I took that to the extreme — instead of breakfast, it was laxatives, 3-mile runs replaced lunch and the taste of my own vomit made up dinner. Hunger wasn’t a thing anymore, it was my body just burning up fat cells and the cold sweats I woke up in were the tears of those cells.
I would go day after day on nothing but water, ephedra pills or Splenda and purgatives. It got to the point where I couldn’t go outside on a sunny day without two jackets and a coat. I couldn’t walk to the bathroom without my legs giving way. Every day was agony, as my stomach burned with acid and my muscles degenerated without sustenance. My body was pocked with hollows and bones, my hair falling at the lightest tug, my lips cracked and bled when I smiled. And yet, I persisted. I simply laughed and shook it off when people complimented my tiny figure and sharp features, I denied it when people questioned my health.
There’s nothing quite like being trapped in your own mind. You see darkness, fear, helplessness and terror all the time — live it. There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. Anorexia does not just let her victims go — I knew nothing but agony. A spoonful of soup triggered anxious seizures, and I fell into depressive moods when food was a discussion topic. Late at night when I couldn’t sleep from the pangs in my tummy and the cringing in my bowels I could feel my heartbeat slowing while it felt like my body died around me.
Illustration by Samantha Skipper
It took months and months of tears, blood, pain, fear, and love to begin to recover. I cried and screamed when my parents made me eat, I clawed at my body when water bloated my waist and I hid in my closet when I had appointments with my doctor. I refused to let my body go for something as pointless and futile as food. Fortunately, I learnt to accept and look forward to the little wins: I walked up the stairs to my home without being helped by my brother, I finished a whole bowl of ramen without being painfully bloated, and my favourite was when I completely forgot how many calories were in my fave Ben and Jerry’s.
My fight with anorexia is a battle I haven’t won yet, and in all honesty, it’s unlikely a battle anyone outright wins. I look at my body everyday with incredible gratitude that it survived what I put it through and the hatred that it wasn’t strong enough to stay what society told me was beautiful. Every night I feel the scars on my wrists and I hover between wishing I had died on that hospital bed, and praying I never put myself through that pain again. To this day, I can’t eat CocoCrunch Balls or drink whole milk without my body triggering the desire to purge or even cuddle up to my boyfriend without having to constantly think about tensing my midsection. Even now, I find myself going days without food ‘just to shed some water weight’ or purging after a few too many pizza slices and chicken wings, and honestly it frightens the fuck out of me. Because I may not be strong enough the second time around to live.
One article isn’t nearly enough to capture the horrors and the misery of one person, and in the United States alone, over 30 million people suffer from different forms of eating disorders. With the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder, one person dies every 62 minutes as a direct result, and it affects everyone regardless of gender, race, age or identity. To those currently struggling, please know you are not alone and your future is worth fighting for.
On a more positive note, I want to emphasize that recovery is possible, and you don’t have to go through it alone. Below I’ve listed some of the simplest and most effective ways that helped me get better.
1. Avoid social media haters, shamers and triggers.
While this might seem like a nearly impossible task, it’s much easier than it sounds- especially on a curated feed like Instagram. Instead of staring at tiny-waisted women in corsets all day, why not follow body positive accounts like @bodyposipanda or @girlmeetsweights. The love and happiness they spread is contagious, promise.
2. Surround yourself with love.
Like the step above, avoid people that put you down or make you feel bad about feeling the way you do. You need to be around people who will provide support and the love you need when loving yourself becomes too overwhelming. For me, that person is my sister. Despite going through her own problems, she goes to every length the minute she sees my face drop and replies in an instant when I text her that I’m sad. People who don’t love you if you have belly rolls can fuck off.
3. Realize that food is life.
It’s a fact that humans need to eat, but I argue that food needs to be enjoyed too; instead of being fearful of calories, I try my hardest to appreciate them. Forcing my way out of the ‘calories in, calories out’ mindset was one of the most difficult things I’d endured, but I assure you, it was so worth it when I ate a cupcake and decided to take a nap rather than frantically sprint on the treadmill to get rid of it. The Body Book, by Cameron Diaz is a great resource to understand your body, the many reasons to love it and how to take care of it properly.
4. Know that you’re beautiful, and you’re worth it.
Our bodies are incredible. They can stand intense temperatures, produce life, create art and bring joy. How does size affect your worth? Why do you think the world needs less of your beautiful being? Who you are is never defined by the way you look, or the way you think you should look, and not by the way society deems you should look. Be more focused on your actions and you’ll be amazed at how insignificant external beauty can seem.
5. Understand that recovering is a journey, and that your journey might continue forever.
Several months after I had returned to a ‘healthy weight’, I thought I had beaten anorexia. As I have mentioned, I was wrong. Slipping back into old habits happened far easier than I had expected and I didn’t see it coming. Some people never get close to relapse, while others live their battles until the ends of their lives. Your constant fight doesn’t make you weak, it is the opposite: you are brave, and you are strong, and you can win.
I know all too well what it’s like to hate myself; to wish I were different. It’s a terrible feeling and one of the most helpless sensations. However, I urge you to seek the happiness that’s out there, be it in ice cream or weight lifting. I know it’s also very ironic to take advice from someone who’s still struggling, but I was happy for a while and that right now is my biggest motivation. So, go out there, find someone who’ll listen and tell your story. Go out there and find your happiness.
Check out the NEDA website for more information on eating disorders and please please please, if you struggle with an eating disorder, call the toll-free Helpline at 1-800-931-2237, where there are extensive resources available.