“Oh me, oh life”.
As I analyzed Walt Witman`s brilliant poem during an English Literature Seminary, and simultaneously pictured Robbin Williams in “The Dead Poets Society” recite it, all those questions posed by the poem regarding life’s meaning hit me. But at this time, the “answer – That you are here, that life exists and identity, That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse”– was already within me.
I am here and life never existed as much as it does now, and identity has never been so real. I am everything I did to get here: all the tests – both literal and metaphorical – all the people I love, all the experiences that took me to this particular place in this incredibly huge world. I left Brazil with only the certainty that I would find myself – even if it meant to feel lost most of the time – and that is precisely what I am doing here. In this endless search for common groups, tastes, pleasures, interests, and identity, so much happens. In the two weeks that have gone by since the last time I saw all my friends and family back in my country, I am no longer that same Silvia. Now I am two weeks, 43 new Facebook friends, 32 new cellphone contacts, and endless random strangers I would talk to while in the bus or in the dinning hall line. I am 6 new amazing inspirations embodied in professors, 8 new nationalities in the form of friends and lastly, countless moments of saudade.
For those of you who never heard this word before, I am really pleased to introduce it to you. Saudade is a portuguese word that has no translation in any other language. It is that nostalgic feeling of missing something, or someone. But it is so much more than that: it is a culture, it is love, and a beautiful paradox, and it is a sad and happy feeling at the same time.
Saudade is everything I feel here: incredibly happy to be pursuing myself and life, but incredibly sad at times when I realize that so much was left behind. It is not easy to get into a new country and adjust to a totally different culture. It is not easy to say goodbyes. It is not easy to share a room, a bathroom, a kitchen and a living room. But it is easy to meet incredible people from all across the world. It is not only easy, but pleasurable to know that I have so many “farewells” (not goodbyes) to say and that people will miss me. It is easy to have people around you all the time when you feel that sad part of saudade, because they instantly remind you of the intrinsic, and joyful part that its also embodied in this crazy word. I can only say that I am so curious to know how I will contribute a verse to life’s incredibly insane, beautiful and profound play. I know I will. I know it will involve a lot of saudade, but in the end, this is what we all are: a paradox of feelings wanting to live, or be a part of, this powerful play. 4,890.20 miles away from home, I know I will do it, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Obrigada Rutgers!