Dear Sammi,
I’ve been happily single for the last 4 years, living my own life. I dated occasionally during that time, but they never lasted, I’ve always had feelings of dread and lingering sadness if I’ve dated anyone for more than a few weeks. Considering these were people I originally asked out on a whim, it made sense to me.
However, the same thing happened recently when I asked out a crush, and for once she said yes. I know I want to be with her, so why do I also dread dating her, and why can’t I feel happy and confident regarding how things are going? What would you do in this confusing situation?
Loveshy
Dear Loveshy,
I can totally relate to your situation, as I often experience doubts regarding relationships. It can be tough to work through, especially when you aren’t sure whether your feelings are valid or merely a reflection of fear and anxiety.
As you mentioned, you tend to make quick decisions and then regret or question them. This is normal. When you rush into relationships, you don’t necessarily give yourself enough time to consider all of its aspects, which can lead to intense overthinking. Do you really want to be with this person? What if they aren’t good for you? What if you mess up? What if they do? What if you want to see other people, too? The questions go on and on, feeding off each other until you probably have had enough.
It seems to me that you have a bit of commitment issues. Don’t worry, I think half of the world (if not more) does, too. Really though. I have been in a relationships for over two years now, and I still get freaked out by the thought of commitment sometimes. Now, I’m saying that I am disloyal or that I think my boyfriend disloyal; but it definitely freaks me out, feeling so much love and putting so much time into something that can easily be destroyed. There are so many mistakes both of us could make, so many external factors that could cause issues, etc. But you know what? There are also so many things that could go right.
The dreading, the stressing, the doubting–it’s all a normal part of dating, especially in the beginning. Once you accept your feelings as exactly what they are (merely emotions that everyone experiences), you will be able to move on from them. Try writing them down; they might not seem so terrifying or daunting.
Everyone questions, second-guesses, loses confidence. Do not feel guilty or wrong for doing so; I look at it as a defense-mechanism. We almost search for a problem because we are so used to finding one.
Be strong in those moments to prove yourself wrong; keep pushing forward in the relationship and be in that particular moment with your crush–really be there, taking it all in, listening, talking, and enjoying yourself.
If you feel that you no longer like the person you are dating, odds are you will know it without having to obsessively question yourself. You won’t worry about it or be too upset over it. You will want to end it and be free. The fact that you are stressing means you care, which is important in any relationship. So don’t be so hard on yourself, your thoughts, and your emotions. You are no different from anyone else, and you deserve to happy.
Sammi
Originally posted on sammisays.org.