F*ck Me Gently with a Chainsaw: Review of the Heathers Pilot

Heathers 2018 is any teenage alt MAGA  teen’s dream come true. In this world, the “Warriors of Diversity” are the true villains inside of a small town American High school. The villainous “Heathers” trio is made up of a plus-sized woman (Melanie Field), a mixed raced “lesbian” (Jasmine Mathews), and a self-described gender queer (Brendan Scannell) prey on non-minority kids.

In a specific scene, the Heathers harasses a football player for wearing a Redskins-esque shirt. They tell the boy to take the shirt off or they’ll post a picture of him online and ruin his career.  He becomes afraid because the bad publicity would not let him get a scholarship for college. There’s a laughable seriosity of the tone of the scene because, in reality, the confrontation would be no more than a heated debate. In the real world, there would be people filming this encounter. In the real world, wearing a Redskins shirt isn’t that serious. But, in this alt right universe, it’s life-changing.

Our hero of the story, blonde haired, blue eyed Veronica Sawyer (Grace Victoria Cox), realizes that this is wrong and yells at the Heathers. Sawyer’s main character trait is her attempt to be celebrated as being “normal." She doesn’t think that labels are important or that being a minority is necessary to live a good life.  She is belittled by her peers and her the high school staff because she is conventionally attractive, rich and -especially- not a minority. This is to the point where she can’t apply to college despite being a perfect candidate.

Together, Veronica and her psychopathic (and possibly Nazi) boyfriend JD (James Scully) go on a casual killing spree to free their high school of the evil minorities that prey on the school.

Which, by the way, is a horrible way to treat minority characters. By all means, minorities should villains in some media. This is because minorities are, above all, people. They have the capabilities to be good, bad, and in anything in between. However, they shouldn’t be portrayed as mass oppressors when they are presently oppressed. They shouldn’t be treated like they have a pathway to college just because of their status. Teenagers with an overall advantage in life shouldn’t be victimized because they haven’t experienced trauma. It’s not a good or healthy storyline.

Needless to say, I was not a fan of the reboot. I have to admit that the cinematography is brilliant. The opening scene filled with the eerie rendition of “Que Sera Sera” was hauntingly beautiful and I was feeling the neon aesthetics. And the still of Heather laying among the roses in death is a beautiful image. But the aesthetics don't save the horrible writing (my favorite line is “We’re young. We’re free. Let’s snort Adderall and get some slushies”) and the ill-timed jokes about pressing issues such as consent.

Many people online think that the show will change its tune. However, I won’t hold my breath and I certainly won’t be watching the next episode.

Hello! :) I'm a journalism and writing double major. I love stereotypical romance novels, flowers, the color green and terrible jokes. Honestly, I'm just a girl trying to be cheesy but, everyone's laughtose intolerant (sorry).

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