Although 1 in 4 (some statistics are 1 in 5)[1] college women will be sexually assaulted, sexual assault is not a topic that usually comes up in general conversation. Sure, we’ve all been through orientation where we were taught what qualified as sexual assault and the like, but aside from the occasional speaker that comes to campus—that you probably were too busy to see anyway—we don’t talk about sexual assault. We see it in the news, see articles on Facebook feeds, and get emails from administration on Title IX, but it’s usually in a very detached manner. Most conversations or thoughts are shallow: “did you hear about the lawsuit between Kesha and Dr. Luke?”, “what the hell is a ‘Title IX’ that she just mentioned?”, or “I hear that parties at THAT house are ‘rapey.’” Some are even pointed: “girls do dress like sluts,” “he should be happy that he got laid,” or – my personal not-so-favorite favorite—“well, boys will be boys.” We know sexually assaulting people is bad, but do we really care? Do we really think about and acknowledge the feelings and emotions of those that have experienced sexual assault?
No, the general population doesn’t.
Most times when sexual assault or rape is brought up in a conversation, at least from my experience, it’s been as a joke. A classmate and I were having a normal, polite conversation when he said he had an apparently very difficult exam later that day. Had he stopped there, I would have sympathized, and would have understood that his exam was tough.
However, he didn’t stop there. He told me how this exam was going to bend him over the desk and “fuck” him. To add to the insult, he said he’d then write about his “rape” on a t-shirt and hang it up, making fun of The Clothesline Project happening that week at Rhodes.
I was so taken aback by his words, and his lack of respect for people who have been sexually assaulted and those brave enough to share with the campus. I was hurting for those people, but also for myself.
I had been sexually assaulted a year and a half before, and it’s still the hardest thing for me to deal with. I’ve been dealing with depression, PTSD, loneliness, isolation, anger, hurtful remarks from family, disregard of my experience from the police, and now disrespectful comments from my peers. I’ve been through hell, but have been recovering. I was even considering making my own t-shirt for the project until he made that comment. He didn’t know it, but he brought up and belittled the worst experience of my life.
He saw my face fall. He listened when I said that he should not make those comments, because he never knew who he was talking to. He apologized. He was ashamed and sorry. But, he didn’t have to hide his tears in class. He didn’t have to go the rest of the day thinking about it. He didn’t have to try to pay attention in his classes when his mind wasn’t there. He didn’t have to put a smile on his face at work and act like everything was okay. He didn’t have to hide behind a façade of happiness when all he wanted to was crawl in bed and cry. He didn’t understand the impact his words had on me. He didn’t realize his “joke” wasn’t funny, until it was too late.
We don’t talk about sexual assault seriously. We don’t acknowledge that real people with real emotions and real lives experience sexual assault. And not just experience it once, but experience it and relive it every day.
I hope with this guy, and with you, Reader, that you think about what you say. Please be compassionate, thoughtful, and try to understand. You never know what someone has gone through.
“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”
As always, please feel free to contact me for comments, questions, support, or anything really.
Natalie Richmond