The great thing about relationships that ultimately fail is the immense amount of data you collect about what you need in a significant other. What you can tolerate and where you draw the line. What you’re willing to compromise and what you just can’t change. This article was originally titled “Stupid shit my boyfriends do that cheese me.” However, in an attempt to live a more virtuous, optimistic, forward-looking life, I opted to frame this “stupid shit” into a set of lessons, or epiphanies I’ve experienced after getting out of relationships that I now know were going nowhere.
1. Some things just can’t be changed.
In a relationship with regular, healthy and active communication, both parties talk a lot about what they want out of the other. Although this type of communication is extremely important, you have to be mindful of the things you ask for and how important they are to you. Some people are just the way they are and nothing can change their inherent nature no matter how much they love you. For instance, “I wish you were more affectionate” is a reasonable request and because of the type of person you are, it may be necessary for your happiness in a relationship. But some people just aren’t the affectionate type. It feels uncomfortable for them to give spontaneous compliments and know how to make you feel beautiful. With regular and active communication, you can both agree to work on your respective sides. But if it causes issues time and time again with no real change, maybe it’s something that just can’t be changed. And that’s okay. That just means you can’t give each other what you both need in order to be happy, so you should find someone who does. These are the things you can’t live without, and they should be the first things you look for when finding a new partner.
2. Some things you have to change.
On a less lenient note, there are also things that you have to change when you sign into an unwritten relationship agreement. They’re pretty obvious too, but it’s alarming how much you can let your significant other get away with in an attempt to be the “cool girlfriend.”
It is great that you enjoy your single life so much and love living carelessly. But when you sign up to be someone’s boyfriend, you can’t act single anymore because, well, you aren’t. You can’t hit on other girls. You can’t let them dance on you at the club and talk to them suggestively. If you want to keep looking for a new girl, don’t be in a relationship. You can’t be careless anymore. You have to care and consider all the possible repercussions of your actions before acting. If you want me to be loyal, to love you, and to give you everything you want out of a girlfriend that you can’t get out of anyone else, you have to make that sacrifice. If you can’t do that, I will keep looking for someone who can.
3. Actions speak louder than words.
This one was originally titled “stop telling me shit you don’t mean; it just upsets me more when you don’t follow through.” But again, in an effort to think positively, the lesson here is to not eliminate meaning in your speech by making empty promises. It is tempting and easy to tell your girlfriend all the things you think she wants to hear. It makes her immediately happy, and would you just look at the smile on her face? You’re set. WRONG. You say you’ll do and be all these things for me; you get my hopes up higher than they would’ve been and then shoot them down. I would rather you not say anything at all than constantly create these situations to disappoint me. You lose your accountability. You lose my trust. I can’t believe anything you say because of how many times reality has deviated so far from what you tell me. I don’t need someone who tells me how much they love me. I need someone who shows it.
4. Stop making me cry.
Relationships are hard. Life always gets in the way. Love pushes you and challenges you and tests you and sometimes even breaks you. It is who you choose to put yourself through that with that makes it worth it in the end. The point though, is that relationships are inherently tough enough. You will cry when you say goodbye, when you spend time apart, when things just never seem to work in your favour. So please, do not make me cry more than I already have to just because of the sheer nature of being in a relationship with you. Don’t lie to me. Don’t be mean to me. Don’t try to spite me. Don’t make me feel like you’re cheating on me. Don’t you dare cheat on me. Don’t let me go to sleep mad at you. Do not intentionally wrong me, because I can find someone who would never even think to hurt me.
5. Give what you get.
No one wants to feel like their love and efforts aren’t being reciprocated ‒ like they’re in a one-sided relationship. If you always give back at least the same amount that you get, then things can only get better. But when you slack, it doesn’t go unnoticed. It makes me feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and unrecognized. It is frustrating to give your all to some sort of absorbent wall that just takes and never returns. It feels like I’m trying, and you’re not. And we all know the pivotal falling point of all relationships is when one person starts taking the other one for granted, or one person starts feeling taken for granted. Let’s try not to let this happen. Just show me you care about me as much as I care about you. And if you don’t, then you don’t have to be with me.
The trick with relationships is knowing what you can and can’t compromise. It’s okay to have problems because you can fix them. But it’s also okay to have problems that you can’t fix because that signals that you need to find someone else. Someone who can fix these problems. So fight away about all these things and try as hard as you love each other to fix them. But at the end of the day, if it’s clear that nothing’s really changing, then it’s time to continue your search for someone who can be what you need.
So thank you, to my amazing ex-boyfriends who were each great in their own way, for showing me what I need in a partner, as well as what I absolutely can’t live with.