I’ve never been a person with high self-esteem or a grand sense of self-value. I’ve always been a hider- a wallflower. And growing up I never realized it, but looking back now on the person I was during middle school and high school, I realize that deep down, I was very depressed and very at war with myself. Every day was a battle with the mirror and a battle with my mind. I would stay up all night on the weekends by myself, just thinking, dreaming, hoping I could be somewhere else; or better yet, be someone else. Too many nights I went to sleep with a pillow soaked in tears. I was too serious, too reserved, too anxious, and too much of an over-thinker. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that something just was, even if I couldn’t put a finger on what.
As I progressed through high school and found things that I loved to do and learned to love myself for who I was, with my weird quirks, anxious habits, thick thighs, and all, my confidence improved vastly. Of course it never fully got better, as most people with depression or anxiety know it never does, but by the end of my senior year, I was mostly happy and I was thriving, excited to start the next phase of my life. Sometimes I would meet people who would tell me, “I thought you were so stuck up when I first met you, but you’re actually really nice!” It would break my heart when people would tell me this, because they couldn’t possibly know the inner battles I fought every day, every minute; and that a big reason why I didn’t talk to people much was because I truly felt so low about myself that I thought I didn’t deserve to reach out to people unless spoken to first. I was a submissive to my own demons.
I realize I’m using a lot of cliche terms to describe sadness here, but the negative thoughts that occupy our minds truly are demons, and it can be really difficult to fight them sometimes to get them to go away. And contrary to popular belief, you can be sad on the inside while walking around in a happy shell. A lot of people do it because society tells us not to be weak. To be grateful. To get over it. And it is possible to get over it and just go on with life most of the time, but sometimes it’s not. And in those moments when you do feel bad about yourself…
Know that you are loved. Even if you aren’t told that on a regular basis, know that someone (more likely MANY people) think you have a laugh that is contagious and an attitude that always makes them feel better. Love isn’t always verbal. Most of the time it shows itself in the smiles or compliments from strangers, in the “happy birthdays” from acquaintances we didn’t expect to remember, in the praise a teacher gives you on an essay you wrote. Love is all around you, as honestly cheesy as that sounds.
Get to know yourself, and once you do, take a deep breath and accept that you are never going to be anyone else. Sometimes this can be a hard step because sometimes we just don’t want to come to terms with who we are. I’ve spent time playing the role of a person that I’m not; we all have at some point. But I wasn’t happy. I’m more happy being the weird, awkward, dorky girl who loves oldies radio and has a crazy sense of style than I ever was trying to fit a certain mold of what others thought I should be. Do what you love. Be the embodiment of what you love.
Know that nobody sees you in the light you see yourself. Someone thinks the bump on your nose is cute. Someone thinks your bushy eyebrows are endearing. Nobody really notices or cares about the pimple on your forehead, and no one is judging you for your stretch marks or the way your stomach slightly pooches out at the bottom. You are your own worst critic. Stand in front of a mirror and look at yourself in the way that you would look at someone else. Pretend that your reflection is a nameless figure in a crowd and not yourself. Are you judging that person now? Probably not as hard. If we judged every stranger as harshly as we judged ourselves, we would all be really, really mean people.
Finally, remember that you have something to offer to this world. Even if it seems small to you, it means a lot to someone else.