People will ask me, “Hey, Laura, how’s college life?”
I really want to tell them everything – I really, truly do. But, all I seem to manage to say is, “Oh, it’s an adjustment!” or “It’s all good, I get lost all the time!”
It’s so frustrating to think you’re alone in your mini tragedies, and it’s even more annoying to try to recount them to your friends and loved ones with the hope that they’ll tell you, “Everyone goes through that!”
So here I am, being vulnerable with you, by asking – can you relate to any of the following situations?
1. The Elevator Incident
You get into an elevator and soon realize the doors aren’t opening. You’re thinking, “This is it, this is the moment I plummet down into the basement of my building.” You’re about to press the alarm button when you realize you never even pressed a button to go anywhere in the first place.
2. You Can’t Always Get What You Want
You really wanted to be the mascot for your school, so you download the application to make your dreams come true, only to find out you can’t do the required 50 one-arm push-ups. (You probably fail after attempting just one and instead, end up high-fiving the floor with your face.)
3. You Never See it Coming
You’re dancing around in your room until you suddenly feel a falling sensation. You grab the handle of your closet, only to have the door open. You slide horizontally, ramming your whole body into the wood like a person falls in love – slowly, and then all at once.
4. Just Don’t Ask
You accidentally bump into your friend who literally lives at the gym. For some reason, they start to ask about your fitness routine. Since you do absolutely no exercise whatsoever, all you can think to say is “I exercised my brain today… with a puzzle.” But both of you know that you don’t have a puzzle – and that you’re a liar.
5. Well, That’s Unfortunate
You’re walking around a store and accidentally bump into the light switch, causing the entire store to go dark. Instead of responding when someone asks who turned it off, you decide to hide in a clothing rack until the whole situation blows over.
6. Insomnia
You claim you’re so tired that you could sleep soundly on a rock, but as soon as your head hits the pillow, your eyes are wide open. You wonder what it’s like to be one of those people who can fall asleep anywhere at any time, as you eventually drift off to sleep an hour later.
7. So Uncalled For
You’re minding your own business on your walk to class, when suddenly a branch falls off a tree and knocks your body down to the ground as if you’re in some terrible video game. You dust yourself off as you stand up and hope no one noticed as you rush to your class.
8. I’m Awake— I Swear
You’re falling asleep in class and don’t even realize it. You constantly jerk your body each time you wake up, ultimately convincing everyone around you that you are either having a stroke or are very poorly impersonating a fish out of water.
9. Not What You Expect
You sign up to do community service at a dog shelter in hopes of getting to pet the dogs, but when you get there, the manager says, “Here’s our Super, Duper, Pooper-Scooper”…and life as you know it ceases to hold any meaning.
10. The Classic Push and Pull
You give people the free scene of you groaning, grumbling and sweating to pull open a door, but you are clearly so preoccupied that no one even bothers to mention to you that it says “Push” in big letters right in front of your face.
11. Eternally Lost
You walk to Guam and back when you accidentally click the directions to Beaver Stadium on your GPS instead of Beaver Hall. How convenient that the universe put you in a dorm with the exact same name!
12. A “No” Would’ve Worked Too
A guy walks up to you and asks if you have a lighter, and instead of a simple no, you opt for the second most casual response: “No, but I do have the light in my heart that can give flame to ANY cigarette.” He doesn’t find humor in it, but at least he walks away and stops talking to you.
13. Not Today
You think you’re old enough to work a revolving door, but soon learn otherwise as you continue going in a circle and eventually meet up with a stranger in that tight space. That stranger doesn’t understand why you’re still in the revolving door and also doesn’t believe this could be a chance for a “meet cute.”
14. Why Would This Not Happen
You’re trying to look normal in public while you delicately sip your water, but as you suddenly find yourself sitting there dripping, you realize you completely missed your mouth and must go back to pre-school to learn the location of your lips.
15. Bob
You slowly begin to realize everyone has settled into their routines and are taking college life by storm. Meanwhile, you walk around campus like a lost Dory from Finding Nemo, who suffers from short-term memory loss. Oh, and the best is when the professor asks if you know his name and the best response you can come up with is: “It’s not Bob, is it?”
16. Okay, Grandma
You want to make sure your family knows you love them, so you reach out every day to the point that your great-grandmother says, “I didn’t think you’d be reaching out THIS much.” Way to make me feel like a loser, Grandma, thanks.
So, what do you think, collegiettes? Am I alone in these awkward situations or are you with me?