Whether you are ending your summer fling a little late, or breaking it off with a long-time lover, breaking up is never an easy thing to do. With cuffing season right around the corner, having the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and heartbreak are the complete opposite of what you want. Nevertheless, during or after a break-up is one of the best and most important times to sit and reflect on you. Yes, it sucks, and yes, it hurts, but sometimes you have to do it for yourself.
Recently, my rather short eight-month relationship came to an end and, with that, I took a few lessons from it. It wasn’t an easy decision and I was the one who ended it, but I did it for myself. To me, that’s important. I would never say anything bad about my now ex-boyfriend; I will only say good luck. It took a lot of thought and I’ve done the complete opposite of a few of these; but, in the end I can take it as a lesson. Here are eight things I’ve learned from my break-up:
1. Try not to over-think the situation
It’s easy to let our late-night thoughts get to us. Maybe we made the wrong decision, or the overwhelming feeling of guilt and lonesome may wear us down, but don’t let these impulse feelings change your mind. You’ve made the choice to end it for a reason (or reasons), and chances are he’s probably feeling the same way, too.
2. Avoid pointing fingers of blame
This is sometimes hard to do, because no one wants to take all of the blame for the falling-out. This does nothing but lead to fighting and really ugly endings. A relationship is meant to be a very beautiful and meaningful time between two people. Unless the reason for the break-up is because of a sour note, be sure to communicate and talk (not text) about why BOTH of you think your relationship failed.
3. Make sure both of you are on the same page
We’re in college now, and according to that “you’ll meet your husband in college” rumor, we’re supposed to be looking to find that one to stick by our sides life-long. Don’t get yourself wrapped up in someone whom you plan to spend the rest of your life with while he only wants a temporary fling. It’s a bad situation for both of you if (and when) it ends. You end up heartbroken, and he’s already on to the next victim.
4. Share your goals with one another
You may have met the man you know is the one, but sometimes things don’t add up between the two of you goal-wise. Maybe you plan on living in New York working in Manhattan and he wants to surf the golden coast of California, or maybe you’re off bettering yourself in college while he’s hanging out until he, “figures out what he wants to do.” Although relationships are about compromise, they’re also about responsibility. Once you graduate, it’s going to be time to make the decision to take that next step, and it’s important that BOTH of you know you have that security (finances, housing, jobs) between each other. Look ahead to the future and ask yourself this: in 5 years, where will this man and I be? Where will he work? Where will I work? Where will we live? Can WE do it together, or will he/I be carrying most of the weight? There has to be a balance between the two of you! Make sure you both voice your opinions, values, goals and aspirations. And it’s never a bad idea to plan ahead!
5. Communicate
I cannot express this enough: COMMUNICATION IS KEY TO A GOOD RELATIONSHIP. Yes, I know its 2014 and texting is SO much easier than actually dialing a phone number (*end sarcasm*), but seriously, give your thumbs a break. It’s okay to not talk to each other throughout the day, because texting is hard to comprehend. You cannot tell the tone of voice, attitude and meaning behind a text message. TALK to each other, whether it’s face to face or over the phone before you go to sleep. Talk about what you’re thinking, what you’re feeling, avoid the word “you” if you’re complaining and more importantly: listen. Listening to your partner is one of the most effortless and easiest things you can possibly do (seriously, you can just lie there and not move, it’s great).
And then there is the time where we do a little self-reflecting. It’s easier to criticize ourselves than it is to sit and say “you did the right thing”. Rest-assured, if you knew it was time to break it off, you did the right thing. But don’t let it get you down too much…
6. Try not to be so hard on yourself
Once upon a time, a woman somewhere in the world decided that once a man and woman part, that woman must change her hair and lose 10lbs and go shopping. Don’t. This will not make him think: “damn, I messed up”. He wasn’t in love with that version of you, and he probably doesn’t know that version of you. Yes, it’s refreshing, and in our minds it’s a fresh start and an “I’m back on the market” statement, but stop thinking you need to change yourself or be something your not. It’s actually worse for you!
7. Avoid being body conscious
One of my best guy friends once told me that if a man decides to take himself off the market for you, then you are perfect in his eyes. I am very self-conscious and I’ve struggled with this for a very long time, so if I’m in a relationship or not, every time I go through a break-up or have a missed opportunity, I blame it on my body. “A man will dedicate his time, love, body and self to a woman who beams with confidence over someone who is constantly down on themselves”. Don’t blame your break-up on the fact that you quit going to the gym, or ordered the sandwich over the salad. This bad-mind-habit can affect your relationship tremendously. It can dampen your moods, deprive your sex-life (sorry, mom) and overall, make you miserable. It’s important to be comfortable and confident in your body. Your man loves you for you, and should think you’re beautiful regardless.
8. Know what you deserve
It’s never easy to be the one to send a man packing, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You know what you want in life, and you know that eventually you’re going to want someone by your side to enjoy the ride with. Even if you’re head-over-heels in love with your man, sometimes your values don’t measure up and it can cause things to get a little rocky. As a woman, I know that we are independent and could out-survive a man by thinking smarter and acting less (unless there’s a spider or some other creepy-crawler, we’re closing the door and turning the opposite way). But ultimately, we want someone by our side to ensure stability, to feel valued, to feel loved and most importantly, to feel safe. It’s never easy to break-up with someone, but ladies, we know what we want. Everyone is different, and everyone wants different things, but regardless – never, ever settle for less than what you deserve. It’s easier to end that chapter in our lives and chalk it up as a lesson than it is to ride it out and hope for the best.