It is not an easy or comfortable topic to discus, but if the two of us have struggled, we’re sure others have as well. By sharing our stories, we hope to explain the ways in which eating disorders have personally affected us, and how we have worked to overcome them. It has not been an easy journey, and we have to work at it everyday, but if even one person that is struggling has the strength the seek help after reading, then we feel it was worth sharing. There is help out there, you are not alone, and it doesn’t have to control you. If you have an eating disorder, reach out. If you are having self-esteem problems, there will be someone who can relate. Even if you just feeling sad, take action and surround yourself with things that will make you feel good. Your body works so hard to keep you healthy and alive, let’s do the same for ourselves- These are our stories.
My struggle with bulimia nervosa began during November of 2014, and as much as I’d like to say I have completely recovered, I have relapsed quite a few times. However, with that being said, I feel that at this moment in time, my eating disorder is more under control than it has ever been, and I feel confident that I will stay straight on this path towards recovery. I hope that by recounting my experience, I may be able to help others that may be struggling.
For me, it was never about being skinny. While to be honest, I have never been totally happy with my body, becoming thin was not what drove me into an eating disorder. It was never about body image, it was never about gaining attention, it was induced by immense amounts of stress and anxiety, and I realize now, bulimia nervosa has done nothing but create more of both.
This all started when my perfect relationship with my dream guy was beginning to crumble, and I felt like I could do nothing to make it better. He dumped me a few weeks after my birthday in January, started dating a new girl just a few weeks later, and with that, I began to self-sabotage. My eating disorder started as a way for me to feel in control of myself, really, it felt like the only thing in my life that I had control over, but quickly, it just started to become a habit, and one I could not seem to kick.
It started to become more psychological when I realized about four months later I was getting over my breakup, but my eating disorder was worsening. I was no longer doing it to be in control, in fact, I had no control over what I was doing at all, and I started to realize how unhealthy my relationship with food was becoming. I started working out a lot, which was difficult because I wasn’t keeping down anything I was eating. I was constantly lightheaded and always had a headache. I felt guilty every single time I consumed anything, and feeling guilty about eating is such a destructive mindset to have. In addition to all of this, I was barely getting any sleep; I knew things were getting really bad, but I did not have the strength to admit that I needed help, but luckily, I didn’t need to.
I feel so fortunate that I had a friend, my best friend, who was strong enough, and cared about me enough to confront me. She knew something was seriously wrong, and even though I could not admit it to myself, she helped admit it to me. It was in that moment when I realized my self worth, and that I needed to get it together, which has been harder than expected, but I’m not giving up. Although I have still not been able to disclose my problem to many people, and I probably never will, the people that I had told have done nothing but help me get better, and send me unconditional love and support. I know that if I had reached out to them for help earlier, things would have been easier.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder, my biggest piece of advice is telling someone. The sooner you can admit you have a problem, the sooner you can get help, and the sooner you get help, the sooner you can get healthy; the longer you wait, the harder recover is. For me, admitting I had a problem was the hardest part, but the moment I did, and I knew I had loved ones who were more than willing to help me get through it, it made me want to push myself harder to make myself get better.
The first time I realized I had an unhealthy relationship with food was in the winter of 2012. I would come home from school and binge eat, using food as a quiet comfort for the problems I could not fix. I wouldn’t say I was overweight by any means, but I was a bit chubby at this point. I was always somewhat self-conscious but one day I just couldn’t stand the number on that white scale anymore so I tried to change it. I would skip breakfast and lunch every day, come home and exercise for an hour, then eat a large dinner as my only food source for the day. In my mind I was still eating, so there seemed to be no margin for concern. To me, an eating disorder meant that you just stopped eating all together and my “diet” was nowhere near that bad.
Now, my friends had a different perspective. They started to notice the weight loss, how I never wanted to interact at lunch and even an overall change in my demeanor. It was unhealthy, I was unhealthy. After months of this I finally did some research on eating disorders. It turned out that there are MANY different forms including one called “non-purging bulimia”. This specific eating disorder was described as indulging in large binges and then either exercising long amounts or not eating to make up for it. I realized that I have had an eating disorder for months and I didn’t even know. This information was what got me to start eating lunch again, though it normally was only two granola bars at most. But in the end it was still something. For the next year and a half I tried numerous crash diets and no-carb weeks only to have my weight constantly fluctuating with the short term effects. I was so consumed with trying to be skinny that I didn’t fully see what it was doing to my psyche. This battle between my body and food was literally EATING ME ALIVE. Every other hour I was thinking about calories and how much I should, or shouldn’t be eating to lose more weight. Food was turning into something that could only give my anxiety, and it scared me but not enough to stop.
I have been battling bulimia nervosa for over two years now. It comes in bouts, sometimes I will relapse for a week, other times for months. Some days the episodes will only be once or twice a week, other days it will be several times all day long for weeks on end. I’ve hidden bowls under my bed to make it less conspicuous, kept trash bags handy to easily dispose of, things that I am so ashamed of I have not told a soul.
Now, I have told some close friends in confidence seeking help and understanding. Yes, they have been sympathetic but at the same time sometimes you need a bit more than a friends love and support (though it can be very dear and important). I realized that my battle with bulimia nervosa was so much more than that, it was a war. This constant push and pull was a disease that was taking over my life and controlling almost everything I did. Sometimes I would leave early from seeing my friends to purge, or even not go out with them at all because I had just eaten and the anxiety that gave me was crippling. Every day is a battle, which is why I made the decision to go to personal counseling. I will be the first to admit that therapy was something that did not work for me when I first went in high school for I am not one to share my inner most thoughts. But going to see my counselor has helped me make more progress than I ever could have alone. Ever since going, my counselor has helped me start focusing on the things I used to love to do which helps put some of these bad thoughts at bay. Yes talking about it is hard, but so is recovery and I am willing to fight like hell to win my body and mind back. If you ever have any thoughts relating to eating disorders or even those from low self-esteem, please consider making an appointment with personal counseling. There are so many great counselors there just waiting to help, and it is okay to ask for help.
Our bodies work so hard to keep us alive and healthy, we should all start making steps to do the same. “She looked at her blistered hands, felt the sores in her mouth and realized that the feeling in the back of her throat was horribly painful on so many levels.”
National Eating Disorder Association Help Line:
1-800-931-2237
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
1 (800) 273-8255
Penn State Behrend Personal Counseling:
814-898-6504
Counseling LocationThe Personal Counseling Office is located on the first floor of the Reed Union Building, Room 1.
Office HoursMonday through Friday, 8:00 a.m.-5:00 p.m. (appointments preferred)