When it comes to dating, sometimes it is already hard enough, maybe you don’t know how to act, approach people, or let someone know that you are interested in them. Now imagine on top of all that your mind is telling you that everything is a life or death situation, or that no one would actually ever love you. And that is just a slight glimpse into what dealing with anxiety and depression is. Now, of course, it is a heck of a lot more, but when it comes to dating those are the main aspects that are affecting you. So, the first relationship I had started my freshman year of college and sadly ended by the beginning of my sophomore year, not for any particular reason we just were in different places and wanted different things.
When our relationship first began it was hard for me to open up about what I was dealing with mentally, at this point in my life the only people that I ever talked about it with were my therapist and my one teacher from high school. So, letting someone else in was terrifying, my mind was telling me that he would leave before things really even began, that I was so broken that I did not deserve love. And honestly, I believed that, it was hard not too when day in and day out this is what I kept hearing. These thoughts would manifest into physical illness, and I would be sick from it, but also brought on my own kind of panic attacks.
About a month into our endeavor I felt slightly comfortable talking about how I was feeling and that was why I seemed to be so distant so much. By having this conversation I was able to realize that these thoughts were wrong, that the worst things that my mind kept telling me just were not true. But this also gave him a chance to express to me that he had similar feelings and was just as terrified to open up about.
Having this type of conversation terrified me to the core, and caused me to have so many tears in the processes of just trying to let someone know that I was not well. But I learned that this conversation is important, that your partner could also be suffering in silence right along with you.
But I learned that you need to have the conversation, if you have a mental health disorder, let your significant other know. That way when you try to push them away they can help you, and support you and let you know that they are not leaving because of it. I promise you that it makes everything easier, in the end, it opens up to a higher level of intimacy that you might not have had. All in all, it is not life or death, and it is okay to cry, but most importantly it is okay to admit you are not okay.