If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: “playing hard to get” is not a thing. The idea of “hard to get” is a construct that stops women from being empowered in a relationship. I could harp on this for ages, but I’ll step down from my soap box and abbreviate. Historically, women were conditioned to be demure, passive, and non-sexual. Thankfully, those days are fading behind us, but there is still some stigma attached to a sexually-confident woman. She is seen as pushy, crazy, or slutty. Let us level the playing field and state some facts: people – men and women both – want things from each other. So why should we not be able to ask for what we want?
When it comes to dating, many women are nervous or uncomfortable about making the first move. Understandably, asking someone on a date is risky business: you’re putting yourself out there and being vulnerable. It’s scary stuff. But, like author Peter McWilliams said, “It is a risk to love. What if it doesn’t work out? Ah, but what if it does.”
I am NOT claiming to be a total vixen whose cups runneth over with sexual prowess. On the contrary, I am awkward, unsure, and at times, totally clueless. But I do know that if you want something, you have to ask for it. Here is a quick and dirty introduction to my life philosophy, cleverly titled, “Ask for What You Want.” (Also known as, “What Would Beyoncé Do?”)
1. Be brave.
My motto in life: fake it ‘til you make it. No one else knows that you are seconds away from wetting yourself in fear. If you act like a confident bada** b***h, others around you will believe it. When others see you as one, you will start to see yourself that way too, and thus the cycle continues. It’s the transitive theory. Or science. Or something. Whatever.
2. Remember that we’re humans, not mind-readers.
When I encourage friends to make the first move, a common excuse I hear is, “I don’t think he’s into me.” The conversation goes something like this:
Me: “Ask him out.”
Friend: “No, I don’t think he’s into me.”
Me: “Why not?”
Friend: “Because I always flirt with him and he doesn’t seem interested.”
…
ENOUGH!
People are NOT mind readers! What you consider “flirting” might be another person’s version of “friendly, but platonic.” Do not let your happiness depend on how someone “seems” to feel. You will never know for sure until you ask, so why beat around the bush?
3. Ask yourself “Why not?”
What reason do you have for NOT asking them out? If the only reason is that they might say no, then go for it! My mom always used to tell me, “Just do it. The worst thing that will happen is they say no and you move on with your life.” The first time she said that, I realized how right she was. A two-letter word is not the end of the world. I am not going to drop dead because someone said no to me. Take a breath. It will be okay.
4. Embarrassment is temporary. Regret is not.
Putting yourself out there and getting turned down is uncomfortable and maybe even embarrassing. But short-lived discomfort is better than torturing yourself with what-ifs later on. If anything, at least now you know that they are not interested and can move on to bigger and better things.
5. Be okay with “no.”
A central pillar of this “Ask for what you want” philosophy is understanding that your crush might just say no. After all, you’re asking them, not demanding their affection. This philosophy is not a fail-safe way to get everything you want. It’s a tool to make it easier to get what you want. It doesn’t always work, but it’s better than sitting on your fanny and whining about life.
6. Be a little conceited.
The sting of rejection hurts, but it won’t hurt forever. Brush off your shoulders, flip your hair and move it right on out of there. You are sexy, confident, and worthy of happiness. Take time to remind yourself that whoever said “no” to you is a fool and isn’t worth your time anyway. Like Queen Bey says, “Some call it arrogance, I call it confidence.” Step aside, peasants, because I am #FLAWLESS.