There is still a huge stigma surrounding mental health in our society, and it needs to go. More than 43.8 million adults in America reported experiencing a mental illness last year, and that’s not even including adolescents and teenagers, many of whom are subject to high levels of stress and expectation both in school and at home. Just think about it this way: if the only positive accomplishment you’ve made over the course of a day is surviving, if it’s taken every bit of strength and resolve you possess not to self-harm or purge, if you are curled up into a fetal position on the kitchen floor riding out a panic attack for hours on end, how do you think you would feel if your dad came home from work and told you to “stop feeling sorry for yourself”? How horrible do you think that would be, to have gone through hell all day and survived, only to have your feelings invalidated by someone whose job it is to help you?
Even if the people saying the below phrases mean well, they can still make someone struggling with such a disorder feel alone and broken. I, myself, struggled for years with depression, anxiety, OCD, and ADHD and remember from experience how much it hurt when a family member or loved one said anything resembling the following:
1. “There are so many people who are worse off than you.” While this is technically true, it sure doesn’t help someone feel better; in fact, it’s much more likely to make them feel invalid and worthless. We’re already aware of starving children in Africa, but mental illness does not care which groups it strikes; it’s an equal opportunity offender.
2. “No one ever said life was fair.” But you actually just did. Those were actually the last three words you spoke.
3. “Just stop feeling sorry for yourself.” I don’t feel sorry for myself; I DO feel sorry for anyone who ever thought Crocs were fashionable, though…but, seriously, there’s a difference between feeling sorry for yourself and taking care of yourself. I’m doing the latter and working on fixing myself from the inside out.
4. “Everyone gets sad sometimes.” There’s a difference between being sad sometimes and having a mental illness like depression. There’s also a big difference between butt dial and booty call, even though the words are synonyms of each other, but that’s beside the point. Anyway, if you feel sad from time to time, it’s one thing; but if you constantly feel hopeless, exhausted, desolate, suicidal, or any other symptoms depression typically presents with, it’s something else entirely. Putting them both into the same category sets a dangerous precedent.
5. “It’s all in your head.” Yes, yes it is – but not because I’m making it up. I literally have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
6. “Just choose to be happy.” I’m sorry, have I been choosing to be sad this past year?
7. “You’re just trying to get attention.” No, if I was trying to get your attention, I wouldn’t be crying alone at night when no one else is around to see me. I wouldn’t be sitting alone in the school cafeteria picking at my food and hating my body. And I certainly wouldn’t be leaving scars all over my stomach and upper thighs, places that you won’t see in a million years.
8. “Stop being so overdramatic.” *cue stereotypical whiny teenage girl with rich father voice* I’m not being overdramatic, you’re being overdramatic! Don’t take away my pony, Sapphire, she’s literally the only thing that brings me any joy and happiness. Ugh, you’re ruining my entire life!!! Why couldn’t you just have gone to jail like the other executives in your Ponzi scheme?!? I hate you and I wish I was never even born!!! Now, THAT’S being overdramatic. I’m just acting like a rational human being, whose daily existence closely resembles drowning on dry land.
9. “I know exactly how you feel. After [insert sad event], I cried for, like, an entire week straight.” Oh, you lost your hermit crab last year? I’m actually genuinely sorry about that. Seriously. And do you know why? Because I’m trying to show you the respect that everyone deserves, and treat you like a human being should be treated, no matter how I personally view the validity of the reasons behind their emotions.
10. “Have you tried [insert pointless advice]? It always helps me when I get upset.” I’m really happy that Bikram yoga helped your anxiety the same way boxed wine has helped Kathy Lee Gifford. And yeah, I’m willing to keep an open mind and try it, in the hopes it will both help me and shut you up. But, in reality, the same coping mechanism is not going to work for a variety of different people, and, no matter how helpful you’re trying to be, it’s really hard to listen to people grouping everyone with mental illness into the same basket. Besides, that phrase’s connotation is about the same as trying to cure a cancer patient with solely homeopathic methods.
11. “Is it that time of the month again?” Ah, yes, because science has definitively proven that menstrual cycles are the only known cause of emotions in women. It’s not even possible that something like a dopamine imbalance could cause a girl to feel worthless and miserable; no, it’s got to be cramps. Oh, and excuse me, sir: the 1940’s are calling, and they want their logic back.
12. “You’re too young to be feeling this way. Just go outside and have fun!” Oh yes, because as soon as that AARP card comes in the mail, you are officially never allowed to have fun again. So go out to a party, blow things up, and urinate in public while you’re still young, because the last few decades of your life are gonna suck. Don’t say I didn’t warn ya!
13. “Just go find a hobby or club. You won’t have time to be sad!” I’m going to take a minute here and act as your own personal Mayo Clinic: one of the most common symptoms of depression is, and I quote, “Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports.” So, what you’re saying is, go find a hobby or club that you might be able to take pleasure in should you actually get real treatment (such as therapy and/or medication), but instead will have little to no interest in and feel miserable sitting alone at the meetings? Also, I’d like to point out that you can’t just schedule a panic attack; they don’t abide by your calendar and will likely come at the most inconvenient of times.
14. “Stop making excuses for your laziness.” It’s not laziness, it’s exhaustion. Physical exhaustion, yeah, but also mental as well. If someone’s ever at a point where their mental illness makes it impossible or difficult to function, comments like these just add to the person’s disappointment of their own inabilities.
15. “Well, you don’t look depressed.” Man, did I forget to don all black, wear eyeliner, and color my fingernails with Sharpie again?!? Oh, wait, I’m mistaken – that’s just a stereotypical representation of a person struggling with mental illness. In reality, there is no way of telling if a person is sad just by their appearance, and a decent amount of people are so ashamed at this condition out of their control that they attempt to shield their loved ones from seeing it.
My point is that mental health is such an important issue in our society, and we need to have open, honest, and transparent discussions about it. Keeping a topic like this taboo is failing to educate people on the validity of the emotions that both they or a loved one may experience. So next time you find yourself hearing one of the above phrases, I sincerely encourage you to pull a Michael Scott, and shut down those haters for good.
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