Whether you’re a seasoned serial dater or fresh out of your high school relationship, there are some grade-a BS ways guys try to slide in those DMs and not in your heart. Though I hope you are not as naïve and forgiving as I have been, here are some of my ABORT MISSION moments (that I failed to recognize) to help you know when to jump ship.
EXHIBIT A: He wants a relationship that’s “on the down low” or “secret” or some bologna.
What he’s really after: You are the ‘side chick’ or some variation of him wanting to maintain a consistent physical relationship while allowing him to frolic about. If he won’t tell his friends about you, it’s because you’re probably not going to be around long. Guys are people too, and while they might not run over to their best friend like “OMG BECKY LEMME TELL YOU ABOUT THIS GUY” (which is what I do); if he actually thought you were worth pursuing in a serious fashion it would have come up in conversations with friends eventually.
EXHIBIT B: He doesn’t believe in “labels” or won’t define what he wants from the relationship.
What he’s really after: I get really angry about this. You know why a label is important in a relationship? BECAUSE YOU NEED TO KNOW THE EXPECTATIONS. If he just wants to partake in casual sex on the regular sans emotional attachment, that’s perfectly valid and you should respect that. You don’t have to stick around if you’re not interested; but respect his opinion. But anyone who pretends to feel something real for you just to get in your pants is scummy. Believe me, this dude had me going for two whole months with “I’m not sure what I want but I really like you” before he flipped the script.
*me when he doesn’t believe in labels*
EXHIBIT C: POOF the amazing disappearing man! He can drop out of your life as quick as a flash!
What he’s really after: When he’s around, it’s all good right? You’re happy, he’s happy and you’re feeling good about where this is headed. You have a ton in common, you can be yourself and you’re thrilled! Except when he suddenly drops off completely. You didn’t think you did anything wrong, but you reach out and…. Nothing. In fact, your friends still think you’re talking even though he hasn’t responded in two months. Either he saw a red flag in YOU, or he never really cared. Chances are there were other more clear signs that were overlooked.
EXHIBIT D: He makes you feel like an option, not a priority.
What he’s really after: You are an option. He’s playing the field and doesn’t want to put his eggs all in one basket. Alternatively, he has a number one girl in mind and honey, you aren’t her. ANY PERSON that makes you feels like an option NEEDS TO GO. Exhibit D once said to me, “You know, I could find a hotter girl” and spoilers, he did. Meanwhile I was too busy trying to prove him wrong by being my best me, when he never deserved her anyways.
EXHIBIT E: It’s just too much, too soon. You met him a week ago and he wants you to meet Mom, he’s introduced you to all his friends and he has alluded to being in love with you.
What he’s really after: This one has options:
1) He is Desperate with a capital D. It’s not that he actually loves you already, he’s just trying to take advantage of cuffing season before it’s too late and he has to spend another cold winter alone like the rest of us (kidding, I have a space heater). It’s understandable, but cruel.
2) He’s putting in the work because he’s trying super hard to get to ‘know’ you in the biblical sense (if you know what I mean) . Once he does, he’ll totally disappear (see: POOF).
3) He’s really THAT into you. In this case, you need to put the brakes on; the flame that burns the brightest also doesn’t burn for long. Make sure there’s substance behind this. It’s totally okay to be really into someone, but building a strong connection takes time.
EXHIBIT F: Mr. Long Distance
What he’s really after: He might genuinely care about you but the fact is; he isn’t physically there. For me, it’s almost worse than lying about his intentions, because they’re all the empty promises you cling to. “One day we’ll see each other, I miss you so badly, please come visit, etc.” He might be genuine with his feelings, but you can’t get attached because you know deep down that nothing will come of it.
I hope you all learn from my mistakes. Be you, be awesome and be happy. Please, kick that butthead to the curb if you catch signs of these red flag moments. Note: My anecdotes are exceedingly heterocentric because I’m speaking from my experiences. If you happen not to be interested in men, I hope these can still apply and help you navigate the dating world more skillfully. In the end of the day, people are people and they pull some really nasty stunts when it comes to love.