15 months ago I was forcibly raped, and less than a month later, it happened again. Both experiences hit me hard immediately, but it wasn’t until a few weeks later, after my feelings of helplessness incubated in my stomach, that I finally sought help. I was hospitalized for weeks and, when it was clear that I wasn’t showing the resilience that a “normal” psyche would, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Not only did I lack the ability to self-repair with repression or other defense mechanisms, but my mind gave me the burden of always remembering.
My story is not at all outstanding, unique, or irregular. About 7.7 million adults in the U.S. are living with PTSD and about a third of rape victims have developed PTSD in their lifetime. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a natural response to being exposed to trauma, as it makes victims hyper-aware of their surroundings and, therefore, more able to maintain control of possible future attacks. It can develop from war, assault, abuse, miscarriages, sudden death of loved ones, and many other forms of traumatic experiences. It is important to say that mental illnesses can be deadly just like some physical illnesses, and can be extremely physically painful. PTSD can cause its sufferers to develop headaches, cramping, vomiting, and other chronic pain, commonly in the neck and back along with the mental symptoms of reliving the trauma, insomnia, depression, nightmares, and long-term memory loss.
Because PTSD is very individualized, depending on our initial experience, everyone will have different triggers. Triggers are named as such because they trigger feelings of panic, helplessness, extreme sadness, disgust, and anger that are congruent with the emotions we felt during or following the incident. Sometimes an individual’s triggers make sense and sometimes they may seem completely irrational to those outside our heads. For example, people with PTSD from war are commonly triggered by the sound of fireworks or backfiring vehicles and some victims of hate crimes can be triggered by slurs or the smell of their attacker’s cologne.
I was attacked in my apartment building that overlooked a cornfield. Immediately after, I washed the tomato sauce off the dishes left over from the pasta I cooked for him. I didn’t take my skirt or shirt off until I showered, hours and hours later. Over a year later, I am triggered by seeing cornfields, cleaning dishes, seeing knives, wearing skirts, being stressed or scared, the smell of late summer/early fall, and by the word “rape.” When I am triggered, my immediate feelings are disgust and sadness, so I vomit on occasion and almost always have a pounding heart, tunnel vision, and begin crying. Some of these things seem uncommon, but you’d be surprised how often I’m faced with discussions on sexual violence on a college campus, how often I see knives on Halloween, and how often I have dirty dishes in my sink (answer = always).
Because being stressed or scared can inversely remind me of my attack, school is something more and more challenging. People with mental illness often struggle with motivation and concentration and, if I feel worthless, why would I think that anything I do has value? I am taking each day as it comes and keeping busy as a distraction, but I still very much need the completely irreplaceable help of my support group, friends, and significant other to keep my life together.
I wanted to write this piece partially as a way to come to terms with my disease and behavior as a fact of life and something I will have to change for, and partially to educate about something often misunderstood. While veterans have high rates of PTSD, it is all too easy to separate our college-age lives from the illness by dismissing it as an “old man disease.” Your peers can suffer. So my call-to-action here is to consider the experiences of others when you discuss tough subjects. Not everyone has the privilege of separation.
If you are struggling with issues relating to sexual violence, contact Pittsburgh Action Against Rape.
To learn more or seek help, check out the helpguide.