When Dr. Christine Blasey Ford came forward with allegations of sexual assault against Supreme Court justice Brent Kavanaugh, I felt a familiar pit in my stomach begin to form. The discussion of sexual assault has always been tough for me, but when it reaches headlines in cases like these with celebrities or high-profile politicians, it always elevates the attention this topic receives. The larger the cases, the more the issue begins to fill up almost every social media timeline I see. And while I am eternally grateful to hear the support of victims and progress being made, it still continues to be hard for me to read because I am one of the women who did not report.
Like many others who didn’t report, I chose not to because my assailant was someone who held power over me. He was two years older than me and an all-state athlete at our high school. Before I even knew what rape was or could identify what happened to me as rape, he changed the story and had told the entire school I had sex with him and continued to defame me, calling me a wh*re and a sl*t.
I was fourteen when I was raped. He drove me home after track practice, held me down, and told me, “You have to lose it sometime.” I don’t remember much after that, instead I dissociated to help with the confusion, anger, and pain: a common coping mechanism for victims my therapists have later explained. When he took me home, I never told my parents or sisters. I still have not to this day, because I think the shame of what happened is still there and I am terrified for their reactions.
This brings me to another important point about reporting rape – the culture surrounding it. While I’m sure my family would understand why their comments are so hurtful if I told them, their snide remarks against those who accused Trump, Kavanaugh and many others are a large part of what keeps me from coming forward. My father has said multiple times that Kavanaugh is falsely accused and that this is all one big conspiracy. My parents make rape jokes in light of the current political climate, partly because they are die hard Trump supporters and partly because I think they just don’t know any better. Multiple times I have tried to educate them, but to no avail. With every comment they make, I am reminded that my home is not a safe space for me.
Part of me wonders if these hurtful comments are just an inherit part of the Republican mindset, as many males in my high school who voted for Trump made similar remarks. But, a larger part of me credits it to the fact a lot of these people are just ignorant. They have no respect to women and are the main reasons survivors like me fear reporting. I don’t like to say my parents are simply bad people, but after the constant comments and my continual begging to stop, I have to wonder if it’s the culture that shaped this or if they were just born this way.
Rape culture in our country has never been worse. We have continued to deny respect to those who come forward and let those who commit these heinous crimes rise to positions of power. We are sending the message to young girls everywhere that they will grow up in a world where they will be mocked, disbelieved and disrespected. And while I would love to come forward and report to send the message to young girls out there that there is hope, I believe I’ve been tainted too much – as I was once one of those girls and have now conformed to the belief my voice doesn’t matter.
But, that’s wrong. This article is my first step in coming out to the world as a survivor, and hopefully one day I will feel safe enough to put my name on it. I don’t believe the world we live in will always be this way, but I do believe the political climate right now is preventing us from moving forward. It’s thanks to people like Dr. Ford who give survivors like me hope and strength. Thank you, to all who have come forward, for making me feel believed and loved again. Thank you for being the voice for so many of us who yearn to, but have found themselves caught in the tide of rape culture that sends us back to a sea of fear and shame. Thank you for showing us there is hope and support, and that one day maybe no one woman will ever have to fear reporting their rapists. It is people like you who will continue to shape the future and create a diverse, welcoming world where there is no place for Brent Kavanaugh’s. I see you, I hear you and I believe you.
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