Breakups are hard. There’s really no other way to describe them, and it’s far worse when the person who used to be your significant other also used to be one of your best friends. We all know someone (or have experienced this firsthand) who has gone through this general trajectory.
Step 1: Everything’s too Disney-esque perfectissimo to be true.
And then all goes KABOOM. If this has happened to you, you have my heartfelt condolences. Nothing about this is easy.
Step 2: The Big Bad Breakup
Now at this point, there is what we call the Trying-to-Move-On Syndrome, which can look like…
or…
or sometimes, in more extreme cases…
But what happens afterwards? When that rage is cleared from your mind and you’re starting to come to terms with the (still awful) fact that your relationship is now officially over; what will you do next? Is staying friends even an option? It seems terrible to go from being closer to that one person than to anyone else and then suddenly closing that person off from your life. I would never be able to do it.
Here are four common questions post-breakup about the merits of staying friends with your ex and how to smooth over the transition as easily as possible:
1) My friends tell me I should completely leave my ex in the past and not even try to talk to him again, but my ex and I used to talk about everything. I don’t want to lose that.
Your friends don’t know the exact material that your relationship was made of. They know the basics (and sometimes those T.M.I. details), but the bottom line is, you are the only one who understands what you and your ex meant to each other. Breakups don’t always mean the other person no longer cares for you or likes talking to you. They just mean you both are not right for each other at this time. Maybe that romantic spark has fizzled out, but the deeper love that goes with knowing a person well and caring for them is far harder to extinguish.
2) My ex refuses to even discuss the relationship we used to have. I’m trying to be friends with him, but he seems awkward about it.
You have to remember that breakups are equally tough on the person who initiates the breakup and the person being broken up with, even if it doesn’t seem that way. No matter how much you try to create the perfect breakup speech (is there even such a thing?), one person will be hurt more. Maybe your ex knows that he hurt you more than he was hurt in the breakup. If so, then he could just be unsure of whether it would be insensitive to talk to you as a friend when you’re clearly not over him yet. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to bring up the past yet because he’s not quite moved on either. The person who initiates the breakup knows that he (or she) broke your heart and trampled all over it. And he/she is probably wary about why you are trying to reach out to them when they hurt you like that. Give it time, most things that are meant to happen will occur in due time.
3) My ex keeps saying insensitive things like “I only view you as a friend” or “Yeah, this summer was great, the best one yet” (he broke up with me this summer) when we have conversations. I tried not talking to him but it was painful and I don’t like throwing away relationships or friendships. Is it wise to continue trying to be friends with him?
Have you tried telling him frankly that ‘Hey, you’re being a little insensitive here. Considering you broke up with me, maybe you should think about how your words will make me feel.’ Guys tend to be oblivious and even the Gerard Butler among college men will occasionally say something that hurts you without even knowing it did. But if it did hurt you, definitely say something. It will set the foundations for a stronger, more honest friendship. However, if he keeps hurting you with statements like that, you should reconsider jumping right into a friendship with him. Take a break (too much work to focus on is a great excuse) and try again when you’re feeling back to your normal beautiful, confident self. Remember, everything you are doing here is for your own benefit. Help yourself first, not him.
4) My ex and I are talking often like friends do but I still am not over him while he’s clearly over me. He even talks about seeing other girls and it breaks my heart all over again. What do I do?
Now this is a tough one. The important thing to remember is to stay calm and controlled. If a guy jumps into another relationship right after a breakup, there’s a high chance of it being a rebound relationship. Or he might be trying to test whether you’ve moved on or not by saying something intentionally provoking. If you show him that you are hurt or at a loss for words, he will know that you are still not over him. Why give him that power? Instead, play it off. Say something along the lines of “Wow, I’m glad for you. Did you know I was asked on a date on Friday? It went well; we saw a movie.” That will show him that you are (a) serious about being his friend and (b) just as over your relationship as he claims to be. Maybe he’ll feel the sting of that and either put more effort into being a good friend or maybe even try and patch things up between you.
Staying friends isn’t difficult; I know many girls who have gone through breakups and still are close friends with their exes. The most important thing to remember is that friendship is not about power-plays; it is about equality and an honest desire to remain close to a person you love. If you want to stay friends with your ex in order to get under his skin or make him jealous, then this is not the right path for you to follow.