Ever since I was a little girl, I have had this aching feeling in my stomach that I did not fit into this world. I believed that if I had lighter skin, I would be considered somewhat beautiful because the media, the billboards, and sometimes even reality, has a good way of sending that message. If I were to be a bit of something else, and a little less of me, I assumed this would satisfy what everyone else praises as true beauty. I have always been a fan of other people’s differences and would encourage self-image positivity when someone was not feeling good about themselves. When it came to me, however, I just could never seem to appreciate who I was… until I learned something important.
When teachers would tell my class to make a list of all of our good qualities, I would do the opposite. I would stay up in the middle of the night literally counting my flaws from head to toe, writing down every single thing that needed to be fixed about myself. I could not bear to glance at the peanut-size birthmark on my right arm that looks much like a mountain. I disliked the stretch marks on my thighs. I hated my nose and wished it was cute and petite like the models I would see on television. I did not appreciate my body and would constantly beat myself up over the “fat rolls” I felt everyday on my stomach.
The hardest part was not just my thinking, “God, I wish I could be a tiny bit attractive.” It was the fact that I did not believe I was kind. It was the fact that I thought I was not hardworking, or as smart as this one girl who would sit next to me in my math class and get constant straight As. It was that I wholeheartedly convinced my mind that even makeup could not fix all the things I accepted as flaws externally and internally. Little did I know, I was not alone in this. I was not the only one feeling all of these things.
The thing with being a teenager is, it is so easy for us to get lost in emotional cycles that make us feel worthless. It is merely impossible for us to not compare ourselves to someone else who seems to fit the social norms of “beauty” or “perfection.” Most often when we feel down or try to seek help, the people that are supposed to guide us, advise us to love ourselves. But what about the methods to get there? It is a lot like being given an address, but not receiving the directions to get to the desired location.
I spent much time hiding deep in my thoughts of insecurities, but coming to the beautiful New York City has taught me a great deal about the world and myself. I have learned to shift my mind through consistent self-talk conversations, and to put up post-it notes on my mirror with motivating reminders like, “you are beautiful,” “you are worthy,” and “you are enough.” These reminders have helped me recognize that just as negative thoughts can be planted into our heads with enough repetition, so can positive ones. Repetition was and still is by far one of the greatest techniques I have used to build up my confidence.
My mother has always said, “Renée, if you are not surrounding yourself with the best of the best, then you are doing something wrong. You need to be around those who make you want to be a better version of yourself every day.” With these exact words echoing in my mind, I built the courage to surround myself with good friends who genuinely care about my well being. The reality is, people play a crucial role in how we feel about ourselves. If I had not finally understood the damaging impact certain people in my past had on me, I would never have changed my mindset for the better. I now push myself to get to know good people with positive energy and pure hearts, and who truly appreciate me as I am.
The most valuable thing I have learned in this brand new city of mine is that no one else can teach me to be kind to myself better than I can. It is all entirely up to me, in the actions I take, the people I surround myself with, and the good mindset that I continue to create. I can now say my favorite mistake is wishing to be somebody else because I realize that it is almost everybody’s wish. Everyone finds something to not like about themselves. Though loving yourself is not always constant, and there are fleeting glimpses of it, we are always given the choice to love ourselves better than how we did yesterday. Even if I still have a long way to go, I am glad I can start practicing self-love all on my own.