Almost everyone at a big name university (or top 20) is in some sort of long distance relationship. This article is not about how badly I miss my boyfriend or significant other while I am at college, but more about how the feelings before the long distance begins are and how straining they can be, for any kind of relationship. The preparation for any kind of long distance is usually one filled with many emotions, especially the feeling of wanting to hold on tight to someone.
I should start out by saying that I have always considered myself being ready for distance away from a loved one. Growing up, my father was not always around, since he was enlisted in the navy for twenty-two years and spent a majority of my childhood, first, in the Persian Gulf War; and then on six-month cruises when my mom and I were not allowed to know his whereabouts, just that he was on a submarine somewhere in the middle of the ocean. Every so often, my mom got me ready to go on base to talk to my dad and we promptly made our way to a hall on base where they put us in a small isolated room with a monitor that looked like it very well could have come from the eighties. Whatever navy guy was in charge of the whole operation would call up my father and we talked to him for a few minutes. Mom and I told him we missed him, about what we’d been eating, and that the dog had lost more of her puppy teeth and was getting bigger. He exchanged a few words similar to ours, with his fun fact being something funny he thought of or something he ate that was really good, for being on a sub.
I never thought of my father being away for so much of my childhood as being different, or bad. I thought it was normal. I still feel like it was, but I always remember the strange feeling I would get right before my father deployed. Watching him leave left me with a weird feeling I still can’t describe.
Fast-forward to my summers in middle school in high school, and I’m away from home this time, going to summer camps sometimes as far as Texas. I never had a problem with this or felt homesick, but because my parents might be lonely without me home always brought about a strange bittersweet feeling when I saw in their eyes that they were so proud of how well I was growing up. They always made jokes and never said anything too sentimental, but neither of my parents went to college and at that point, I didn’t feel like I had a choice except to further my education, and these summer camps helped me better prepare for where I am today.
And then, last year I was suddenly a freshman in college. Starting out, I had friends, a boyfriend, my family, my dog, and everything I loved back home. At first, I was so confident in everyone’s commitment to me that I did not even flinch as my parents left move-in day after a short visit. A few weeks went by and I discovered that only a few of my friends would put in the same work as me to keep in touch. It happens. A couple of months go by and my boyfriend of two years, who had the idea to keep the relationship going, says he can’t do it anymore and that he will not change his mind about the decision. The breakup was so impersonal. Over a text, then finished with a phone call. A few more months and I get a phone call, sounding happy, but saying that my mom misses me around the house and that she just wants someone to do something with, like running errands or walking the dog. By the time I came back for summer, I had to schedule my fifteen-year-old dog’s surgery. Nothing really changed back home, but I felt like everything was different, or I was different. Something was off.
In college, I see my friends every day, especially on such a small campus. Not seeing them for an entire day feels like I haven’t seen them in a week. I don’t feel this longing to see too many people, but I do feel this towards my very close friends.
When I was in a serious relationship, I saw that person almost every day. Now that I’m in college, and in another relationship that has a starkly different dynamic, I don’t see my SO nearly as often. Between my schedule at school and their schedule at work, and us both wanting and needing a good night’s rest, sometimes it feels like we rarely talk, even if we text all day. To me, texting seems so impersonal and I’m the kind of person who wants to see my loved ones or at least hear their voice. I didn’t realize until recently that I have become someone like this, which is so different from the resilient and independent child I was.
Now, I get an even more intense feeling when leaving my loved ones. Maybe it’s because I understand the concept of being away from them more now, or because I’ve conditioned myself to be with people more than I was used to a few years ago. I still consider myself a “forced extrovert,” and know that I have to be alone to recharge mentally, but in the last few years, I have discovered that I hold my loved ones closer longer, and sometimes I can even recharge with them around.
Has college changed me? Has being away from people other than my family for a school year changed the way I interact with people? Maybe, but maybe not. Maybe I am just making connections at Oxford College unlike those I ever made while living at home.
Now I anticipate leaving my closest friends in the summer and over breaks, and that same feeling wipes over me when I hear of my family at home and how they are adjusting to their only child being away. The same feeling has been eating at me waiting for my current significant other to deploy an ocean away while the relationship is still budding. It definitely is a challenge, but it’s a challenge that I feel like many people have to overcome in college. It’s not really a homesickness as much as a feeling of being torn between two homes, one with familiarity and the other with the deepest friendships I have ever formed.