Do you remember when you were like, maybe 12-years-old and you started to really notice the difference between boys and girls? I mean, you always noticed the difference but I mean like, really noticed. You started to pick up on how girls liked to hang out together, and talk about things, play games, watch movies. Around this same time, you also probably started to notice how boys would hang out and punch each other in the balls.
Maybe you and your girlfriends would do crafts, or make cookies while the boys in your class played videogames and… well, punched each other in the balls. Now, I’m not trying to make a blanket statement about gender by any means, I am simply trying to point out the noticeable differences between some 12-year-old girls, and 12-year-old boys. Girls chat, boys punch each other in the balls.
It’s also around this time that girls start to “date” boys, or “like like” boys. I think we can all remember our 12-year-old crush pretty vividly. Maybe you had a “boyfriend” that you would talk to your girlfriends about in school, and go to the movies with sometimes. But maybe your girlfriend from art class also had a crush on him.
I remember in the sixth grade I had a boyfriend named Nick. Nick was a total 11-year-old fox. All the ladies liked him. It’s needless to say I peaked pretty early in life. Anyway, it turned out that this girl in my gym class was Nick’s ex-girlfriend. And she heard that Nick had a new girlfriend. Her gym locker was right next to mine.
One day after class we were getting changed when another girl asked Nick’s ex-girlfriend if she had heard that Nick had a new girlfriend. Nick’s ex-girlfriend replied with, “Yeah and I heard she’s butt ugly.”
I was shocked. Shocked, and hurt. She didn’t even know me! How could she say these mean things about a girl that she thought she had never even seen before? She thought I was “butt ugly.” (Thankfully, I haven’t been called butt ugly since. I hope.)
Think of your most recent ex-boyfriend. Think of his new girlfriend, fling, or hookup that you heard about through Facebook. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Probably some pretty nasty four letter adjectives. I know that when I first found out that the last guy who broke my heart had a new girlfriend I called the girl a “scag.” I don’t even know what that means. I think I heard it in an Amy Winehouse song once. And I immediately called my friend to be reassured that I was prettier/smarter/funnier than this new girl, and that this new girl was a total ugly bi*ch.
Rewind: A few months ago I was at the bar with some friends. The guy I was dating stayed in or something. As I was standing next to the jukebox, hopelessly searching for “Hey Ya,” I noticed a girl walk in. My guy-I’m-kinda-dating’s ex-girlfriend, who I used to be very friendly with. Instead of acknowledging one another, she blew right past me with such coldness that I shivered (How dare you call me a drama queen!).
This girl, who I considered to be a friend of mine, wanted nothing to do with me. Not even a “hello.” I felt like she was being crazy. Why would we let guys come between us? It’s not like I slept with him while they were dating. It’s not like I went on dates with him when they were together. But she still gave me an ice cold shoulder. Jeez, I hadn’t even done anything wrong! (If you didn’t sense the sarcasm in that we cannot EVER hang out in real life.)
Fast-forward: So here I am, on the phone with my BFF after stumbling upon this new girlfriend information, trying to convince myself that I am better than this girl. Coming up with reasons to hate this girl. Seriously. Hate her. Despite knowing absolutely nothing about her. I am so mad about him dating this girl that I get drunk and send him an email so mean that we haven’t talked since.
BUT HOLD UP: Remember when my guy’s ex-girlfriend was treating me like the plague and I had the delusional thought that I had done nothing wrong and we should be friends?
After a long night of drinking and talking with a friend in Buffalo, I realized that I had no right to send this guy a nasty email. I had no right to think all of these nasty things about this girl that I don’t even know. But I hated her on principle- because she was dating my ex-boyfriend. How crazy does that sound? I don’t even know anything about her, but I called her a scag.
And then I remembered my first BF Nick. And that mean girl in the locker room who was trying to protect herself. I knew exactly how that 12-year-old girl felt when she found out that Nick had a new girlfriend. I knew exactly why she hated me, without even knowing me. I remembered my ex-fling’s ex-girlfriend, who gave me the frozen shoulder at the bar that night, in spite of our amicable past. In this particular moment of drunken clarity, I understood why so many women hate each other, without really knowing anything about each other. Because for whatever reason, we blame each other for our own failed relationships. We hold one another accountable for dating “our man” even if he isn’t really our man anymore (or maybe he never really was). We expect all women to back off once we date a guy. Once we kiss a guy, maybe. But the truth is, there are other fish in the sea. For both parties. You’re going to date other guys, and he’s going to date other ladies. It’s nature. It’s the circle of life. There’s no disrupting it, or changing it. You are going to break up with men you love. Men you love are going to break up with you. You’re going to break hearts, and have your heart broken. But we cannot blame the other ladies in the house just because they started dating the ex-love of your life six months after you broke it off with him.
Granted, there are some situations that warrant the hatred of your ex’s female counterpart. Maybe he cheated. Maybe you and the girl just don’t get along. But for the most part, we need to stop pushing off needless blame onto strangers. And quit looking at her Facebook pictures, okay?