I can confidently say that nearly every woman has struggled in some sort of way with loving themselves unconditionally. This idea is something that I’ve come to learn after years of a lengthy battle with my self-esteem.
When I was younger, however, I was convinced that I was the only girl that felt indifferent about the body she was in. I was never super thin like my friends, nor was I ever overweight. I’ve been graced with thicker thighs and broader shoulders that have contributed to my ongoing inner conflict. Although I am still learning to be able to talk myself out of such nasty thoughts, I vividly remember coming home to my mom in second grade, hysterically crying and asking her why my best friend’s legs were so much smaller than mine.
Despite my insecurities starting from a relatively young age, they sadly did not end anytime soon after. In fact, these thoughts grounded themselves in the lineage of my brain, slowly but surely expanding and growing as my body did too. As I got older, I experienced the beauty of an ever-changing body, but of course, I did not view it as something beautiful.
Naturally, puberty was a challenge, and the curves I had eventually developed only made me upset. Before I knew it, getting ready for school every day was a struggle in itself. I was constantly arguing with my own negativity and anxiety, and it would take me hours to find something to wear that I was only moderately pleased with. I have always known that my self-confidence issues may be less severe than what other girls experience, but it didn’t take away from the fact that I knew I had a problem. I desperately needed to venture on a lengthy (and emotional) journey with the goal of falling completely in love with myself.
To be clear, I didn’t just wake up the next day and decide that every action from then on had to contribute to a better relationship with my body. It’s important to realize that, for me in particular, self-love is very much a constant uphill battle. Since the beginning of this jounrey, I’ve had both good days and bad days. I’ve had fantastic weeks where I feel wonderful about myself, but after a movie night with my friends and eating half a Domino’s Pizza, I wake up the next morning feeling absolutely awful about my body.
Throughout this emotional rollercoaster of an experience, I’ve realized that the best way to keep the ‘good days’ going is to simply take care of myself. Admittedly so, eating healthy isn’t my favorite thing to do. Salads are boring and I would much rather eat a grilled cheese sandwich with white bread instead of whole wheat. But if there’s anything I have learned, it’s that when I’m eating healthy and frequently working out, I truly do feel the best about myself. I have learned about balance; eating well and going to the gym during the week, but not tearing myself down for going out with friends one night and drunkenly ordering Chinese food at 2 a.m.
I think that at this point in my life, I have a decent grip on improving the relationship I have with my body. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not constantly learning new ways to take care of myself, or that I don’t have bad days or weeks. I understand that this is the only body I will ever have in this lifetime, and it’s absolutely crucial to treat it with the love and care it deserves. Every day I remind myself to tune out the negative thoughts and harmonize with positive affirmations instead, and hope that I eventually reach a point where my self-confidence issues no longer play a part in my daily life.