First, I’d like to note that this is not just “feeling anxious when a big test is coming up.” Anxiety is a very real mental condition that makes it hard to feel normal sometimes. Anxiety isn’t easy to deal with. I don’t want to invalidate the experiences of anyone, but I need to be clear about the type of anxiety I’m discussing. This isn’t about just being a worrier. This is when your life is affected (sometimes physically) by anxiety. It is potentially life-altering. There are many terms but I’d like to specifically speak on Generalized Anxiety Disorder or GAD.
The ADAA (Anxiety and Depression Association of America) describes GAD as, “affecting 6.8 million adults or 3.1 percent of the U.S. population. It is characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things. Individuals with GAD find it difficult to control their worry. They may worry more than seems warranted about actual events or may expect the worst even when there is no apparent reason for concern.” Symptoms may include: restlessness or feeling keyed up or on edge; being easily fatigued; difficulty concentrating or mind going blank; irritability; muscle tension; and/or sleep disturbance (difficulty falling or staying asleep, or restless, unsatisfying sleep). Anxiety is a mental disorder that often has physical markers that aren’t very fun. And no, I don’t just mean you get stress pimples. It’s hard to sleep, and when you do sleep, it’ll probably be for 3 hours in the middle of the afternoon. And yeah, that definitely means you won’t be able to sleep again that night. Anxiety means heart palpitations that sometimes feel like you’re dying. I will be sitting in the middle of class and all of the sudden my heart is going a thousand miles per hour and I have no way of stopping it. It also doesn’t help the sleeping issue. I’m not having trouble sleeping because I’m too awake, I’m having trouble because despite my eyelids lagging, my heart is going too fast for me to do anything but lie there with my eyes closed and pretend I’m dreaming.
Other physical markers I’ve personally experienced include: a dramatically lighter period (still accompanied by all the cramps though, don’t get excited), permanently chapped lips (because I am unconsciously chewing on them 24/7), a sore jaw from clenching it all the time, shaky hands, hot flashes, and eczema that won’t stay dormant because my skin is too dry. Sometimes your stomach will hurt and you’ll feel nauseous and it’s hard to tell if you’re actually sick or if you’re just anxious. Plus, there’s the whole “sometimes you experience anxiety/panic attacks” thing which I’m not even gonna get into. So yeah, fun. I’m having a lot of fun. I’m almost always awake at 2 a.m. too, so that means I get to experience the depressive thoughts and crushing feelings every night. (Thumbs up emoji). This usually means: Am I good enough? Do I deserve better or is this it for me? Am I a bad person? Am I a bad friend? Why does XYZ like me? Why did they tweet that passive aggressive thing? Is that related to me? Did they post that because I told them to shut up two weeks ago? Is ZYX actually treating me badly or am I just being anxious about it? Am I reading too much into this? What if I’m not reading ENOUGH into it? Why do I feel so alone? I know people love me, I do. But I also don’t and I feel like I’m all by myself in the middle of a crowd, but everyone is turned away from me and the music is so loud that I’m being drowned out. No one can hear me. I’m completely alone. I may be surrounded by a large crowd (of people who care for me), but I can’t reach them. That’s a huge problem as well. It’s hard to reach out to others about anxiety. It’s hard to cry by yourself at 3am, but it’s even harder to say “hey, I’m crying by myself at 3am and I need you to comfort me and tell me you love me and say that I’m doing okay.”
Anxiety as a mental illness is always present. You can take medication or see a therapist, but it doesn’t just go away overnight. It’s a process you have to work at constantly. And the drugs don’t help 100% either. I know that personally Lexapro (a common anxiety-reducing drug) has not worked, and the side effects aren’t fun. Anxiety is a lot of work, too. I had a job for two months in which I took phone calls on a daily basis, and yet I still can’t just pick up the phone and call someone. It’s still something I have to work up to. Even having worked at that very skill to get better and more comfortable, I’m not comfortable. It takes time. A lot of it.
My anxiety takes many forms. Sometimes it’s when I spend ten minutes working up the courage to ask my roommate if I can eat a tiny portion of their food. Sometimes it occurs when I go out of my way to avoid taking phone calls at work, and again when I don’t take said phone call and fear my co-workers know and hate me and think I’m lazy and that I don’t contribute like they do. It occurs when I spend thirty minutes just lying in bed working up the energy to take a shower in the morning. Every morning.
Let me be clear: my anxiety is not as bad as a lot of cases, I’m aware of that. But it also isn’t something that I can just blow off either. It’s not something I can easily get rid of. Getting exercise doesn’t help. Yes, I feel better for having completed the activity, but it doesn’t lessen my anxiety. I can eat healthier, do my homework, clean my room, but I will still sit on my bed and cry because of nothing at all. I will still sob about how it feels like no one likes me and that I’m a bad student and that I don’t even like myself.
Anxiety isn’t easy especially because it’s not a physical illness. It’s not something others see or attribute to you without you coming out and mentioning it. I know plenty of people who don’t see or don’t understand my anxiety. I’ve gotten in fights because of my anxiety. Yes, you may be acting around me exactly how you’re acting around others, but I will still attribute your behavior to a personal problem. It’s not a self-centered thing. It’s an anxiety thing. I’m always scared people don’t like me. Sometimes I think that no one likes me at all. Not my roommates. Not my best friend. Not even my parents. It’s terrifying.
A problem I typically experience with my anxiety is that I spiral. I overreact and become overtly emotional about things that seem simple. I know that the problem isn’t a big deal. I know that the other party is probably being reasonable. I know that I’m over-reacting. Believe you me, I know. I am crying and yelling but in my head, I want it to stop. I don’t want to react as aggressively as I do. But my gut reaction is to over-analyze the situation from an emotional perspective. I panic because I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I get defensive and sad and anxious and I panic. Did I mention that yet? Arguments work up my anxiety by kickstarting the irrational fear I harbor that the people I’m arguing with genuinely dislike me. I over-react out of fear that I’m being criticized and treated unfairly. This isn’t true 9/10 times, but that’s how it feels when my anxiety works me up. I just keep yelling because I’m scared and instead of stopping and calmly evaluating the situation, I get emotional. Anxiety can make you overly emotional (in my case) or less emotional. It can shut you down. It drains all life from you. I spend so much time worrying that I’m almost worried about the times that I’m not worrying. It is entirely overwhelming. It is all-encompassing and way too much to personally deal with. It’s not just about over-analyzing that last text from your boyfriend/girlfriend. It’s about over-analyzing every single text from every single person you’ve ever communicated with. It’s about not trusting the words out of anyone’s mouths. No matter how many times your friends express to you their affection, you’ll still feel inadequate and scared and unloved. You will second guess everything you hear and even some of the things you speak yourself. Anxiety takes away your trust. So, yeah, it’s pretty overwhelming.
The only thing I can recommend, other than speaking to your doctor about your options, is reaching out to the people you care about. Express your concerns. You’ll get positive support, and if you don’t, those probably aren’t the kind of people you want in your life anyway. It gets better (hopefully). Another helpful tip is to create or find a calming playlist to listen to when you just wanna scream. I have a handful of them, and sometimes it helps to just lay down and listen to them. You’ll probably still cry. But hey, maybe you’ll cry for a minute less than yesterday. That’s really all you can hope for: that today is better than yesterday.
Finally, here’s the playlist I made about how anxiety feels. The answer is not fun. It feels like the exact opposite of fun.