Nothing annoys me more than the phrase, “that’s just the way it is”. Seriously. I can think of a million other phrases, in reference to a million different situations, and still, that phrase will always grace the top of the list as the most annoyingly stupid thing I have ever heard, or read. The reason this phrase aggravates me so much is that, more often than not, it’s a phrase used in reference to sexual double standards between men and women. No surprises there, since some people are allergic to minding their business.
Quite frankly, I’m exhausted. It seems like every time I open Twitter, there’s a new tweet claiming that women who have had more than -7 sexual partners in their lifetime are sluts. This is something every single one of us has heard, one way or another. There seems to be a very unhealthy, and downright creepy, obsession that literal strangers on the internet have with policing a woman’s sex life. But that’s neither here nor there, the problem is the ideas that allow these sexist and misogynistic conversations to take place, time and time again. Yet, at the same time, these opinions give way to the idea that it is okay for men to “sleep around” and have “lots of bodies”, while women who do the same are constantly degraded, and accused of “not having self-respect”, or told to “love themselves”. And then these tweets are followed by “That’s just the way it is”.
When I read these tweets, it is truly hard for me to tell if people are just trolling, or if they’re actually being serious. In the event that it is the latter, which it almost always is, I can’t help but wonder why. There never really is an explanation as to why “that’s just the way it is”. Maybe in the 1950’s, but it is nearly 2018. Most of these tweets come from men, and they are always soaking in irony because the same exact men tweet about how they’ve had sex with tons of women (which, if you’re that much of an ass, is doubtful). But if a woman chimes in to disagree with the double standard, as she should, it seems like men, and even women, who play into this narrative, attack her at every angle. Now she’s branded as a hoe.
There are just so many things to say on this topic—first, and most importantly, mind your business. Not only is it weird to care so much about someone else’s body, but it makes absolutely no sense to equate a person’s sex life with their worth, personal value, and the respect you think they deserve. Male or female, you cannot tell someone about themselves, based on the number of people they have or have not had sex with. Saying a woman doesn’t value herself, or doesn’t deserve your respect, simply based on the number of people she has had sex with, is extremely sexist and stupid. And why be sexist and stupid, when you can just be quiet?
Twitter really is just one big peanut gallery, so nothing anyone says on the site should really be taken literally. However, at the same time, when harmful thinking like this seems to come with thousands of retweets and cosigns, you start to get a little worried. My opinion on the matter of double standards regarding sex has always been the same—if you want to do it, do it, and if you don’t, don’t. Worry about yourself, 100% of the time. Sex is a very personal thing, and maybe I’m reaching for the stars here, but I feel like what and who you do behind closed doors shouldn’t be a Twitter or societal debate. Also, if your attitude towards sex is that childish, you don’t need to be having sex, period.
The double standards regarding sex aren’t just limited to how many sexual partners you have had, but your attitude towards sex as well. If you say you enjoy casual sex, you’re a hoe. There seems to be this a taboo around women having sex outside of a relationship. A woman who enjoys hooking up, as opposed to settling down, is a hoe, while a man who does the exact same is a player. Women can’t talk openly, or be proud about their sex lives, without eyebrows raising, and then being called a hoe, even by her own friends. But when a man tells any and every person who will listen about the sex he had this past weekend, it’s just normal ‘locker room talk’. 1+1=door. I will say that these double standards are reinforced by both men and women. While men may have created the concept of detaching women from their sexual autonomy, women play a huge role in the problematic narrative. Of course, it makes me sad to see men call random women hoes or sluts for having a specific number of sexual partners, or even just talking about sex in general— but it makes me even sadder to see women agreeing and participating in bashing other women. Having an opinion is one thing—degrading another woman is another. I find that this is an attempt for male approval, and I just have one thing to say; they’re not going to pick you. Stop trying so hard.
When you really think about it, sexual double standards don’t any make sense. I know they are entirely opinion based, but I cannot understand the logic at all. Nevertheless, the countless erroneous messages about how women have an obligation to be ‘pure’ and ‘modest’ (whatever the hell that means), in comparison to men, keep getting regurgitated into society. In combating things like this, it’s important to remember that you are your own person. You are responsible for you. How you feel about sex is entirely up to you—you can neither agree nor disagree with the someone else’s decisions, and it’s not your place to tell someone they don’t have respect or love themselves based on their sex life. Especially when no one asked you.
So, in the simple terms, shut up and mind your business.