If a guy is clearly interested in you, but you just want to be friends, how do you suggest that you aren’t interested without hurting your friendship or making it awkward?
The answer:
I’m just going to give this one to you straight: I think the friend zone is actually pretty sparsely populated. When we stick a guy in the friend zone, the likelihood that he’ll stay there – rather than cutting bait and denying your existence – is pretty slim. Unfortunately, the art of friend-zoning is one attempted by most of us but mastered by few. My guy friends – and my own collection of failed friend-zone attempts – have taught me that most guys just aren’t cool with being ‘the friend.’ Sometimes fighting the attraction is too tough (I mean, let’s be real. You’re sexy.), sometimes they need time to fall out of ‘like,’ and sometimes they just can’t stomach the rejection.
But that doesn’t mean hope is entirely lost, because in my own experience, the good ones – the ones who actually value you for who you are – eventually come around after they take some space to clear their heads. So, while I can’t guarantee that this guy will stick around after you shatter his hope for a happily ever after with you, I can offer a few tips that could increase the likelihood that your friendship might remain in tact!
Tip #1: Be honest and straightforward. This isn’t something that comes easily to a lot of us, but honesty really is the best policy. Honestly! I personally feel that honesty is a sign of respect. It’s an “I value you enough not to feed you BS” sort of approach that most guys appreciate. Rather than using a cliché line, clearly state how you feel in a way that is kind and sensitive (they like to act like they don’t, but guys have feelings, too). If he tells you that he has feelings for you, or asks you on a date, a carefully worded “I don’t feel the same way” conversation will do. If your reason is different, like maybe you want to focus on school, then that’s what you should say. Regardless, it’s important to be honest about how you feel so that you don’t send mixed messages. Saying something like, “I’m not ready for something serious right now” when you should be saying something more along the lines of, “… with you… ever…” is pretty much begging for trouble down the line. That being said, in summary my point is this: whatever you decide to say should be said tactfully, clearly, gently, kindly, and respectfully.
Tip #2: Act fast. In reality, the majority of us are pretty good at picking up on social cues and being able to tell when somebody’s into us. If you get the sense that your friend is trying to transcend the friend boundaries, start paying close attention and say something when the time is right. I tend to prefer to confront the situation when it’s actively happening; when it’s obvious that he is doing something that just a friend wouldn’t do – like when he’s trying to claim territory at parties by not leaving your side, being touchy feely, and conveniently standing between you and any guy who might be interested. I think it’s best to initiate the conversation at this time because it doesn’t give him the opportunity to take the “this is abominable and you are insane for thinking I would like you” route. Also, by acting as soon as you see signs, you are working to preserve the friendship, because the longer you wait, the stronger his feelings will get, and the less likely it is that he’ll be interested in spending all of his time with an intangible carrot dangled in front of his nose.
Tip #3: Play by his rules. Once you drop the friend-zone bomb, be a little sensitive to his needs. It might suck (and if you’re anything like me you might even find it obnoxious and childish), but if you really value your friendship with him, give him space if he asks for it. For some reason, a LOT of guys will initially announce that they simply can’t be friends with you. If I weren’t so much of a girl, or if I was a medium, I could maybe tell you why, but that isn’t the case on either account. My best guess is what I mentioned earlier, they need time for their feelings for you to ebb away, and that’s not going to happen with your gorgeous self in their face continually. The good news is that after a reasonable amount of time has passed, you (or him) will probably test the waters, and in some of these cases the friendship can be rekindled as just that: a friendship.