Unfortunately, communication is not the strong suit of the young adults of our generation. It’s almost as though the development of texting, Facebook, and instant messaging has caused us to forget one of the most valuable tools for maintaining healthy interpersonal relationships! So many of us fail to communicate effectively with one another because we’ve either forgotten how or never learned in the first place. That’s really too bad, because using healthy communication strategies can really work magic on your interpersonal and intimate relationships. Try practicing the following do’s and don’t’s when you communicate with others:
DON’T: Be passive aggressive. What does it accomplish? Being passive aggressive doesn’t do either party any favors. To illustrate my point, I will use a classic example that probably every person our age has used or been on the receiving end of at one point in life:
Adam: “Is something wrong?”
Kate: (scowling) “I’m fine.”
Adam: “Um… are you sure?”
Kate: “Yes.”
Adam: “But you seem upset…”
Kate: (rolling her eyes) “If you can’t see why I’m upset, that’s just unbelievable.”
Kate’s passive aggressive responses to Adam’s attempt to address what is bothering her does nothing but prolong the problem and make it worse. This type of behavior is disrespectful and opens the door to further conflict by making Adam feel defensive or frustrated.
DO: Tell a person how you feel as clearly and directly as possible. Generally speaking, most of us hate doing this, because society has trained us to invalidate our own feelings for fear of being labeled as “dramatic” or “sensitive.” Because obviously, the only valid feeling anyone should ever have is that of pure elation, right? Us silly Americans and our social constructs! But the thing is, if you tell people how you feel, it gets to the root of the problem quickly and allows opportunity for the issue to be genuinely resolved. Saying, “I feel like I’ve hardly seen you the past few weeks, and really wish we could spend a little more time together,” for example, is far more likely to get you what you want than, “Why are you always so busy?”
DON’T: Be sarcastic, loud, condescending, or vulgar. Sometimes our attitude just gets the better of us. I get that. But respect can go a really long way when it comes to working out conflicts with loved ones. When we are condescending, sarcastic, snarky, or vulgar, we are essentially communicating to our loved ones that we don’t respect them. I don’t really know why, but for some reason, we tend to think we have the license to treat our loved ones in a way that we would never treat our friends, coworkers, or acquaintances. It’s just as wrong to talk down to the people you care about as it is to talk down to your peers and superiors, if not more so. Yelling and cussing at them when you are upset is immature, inappropriate, and all around ugly. Don’t do it!
DO: Speak kindly and show affection. Studies on relationships have shown that some of the healthiest relationships depend on a specific characteristic: the ability to still behave affectionately during conflict. Rather than throwing your love for someone out the window when you are upset, keep in mind that you care about this person and that just because you are upset with them doesn’t mean that you care any less. Show this with your words, tone of voice, and gestures. Choose words that aren’t accusatory, speak in a loving tone, and don’t be afraid to be affectionate with your partner (touching their hand, cuddling up to them, etc.) while confronting the issue. Approaching the problem in this manner can help prevent them from becoming defensive and angry, since you aren’t being hostile and accusatory.
DON’T: Attack their character. Sometimes when we argue with friends, family members, or significant others, we have a tendency to highlight and challenge their shortcomings. A problem that originated because of a specific behavior or incident suddenly turns into an attack on who they are as a person. This almost always has negative ramifications, because it opens the door for insecurities and feelings of inadequacy – not to mention the fact that focusing on each other’s negative qualities is incredibly unproductive.
DO: Focus on the issue at hand. Rather than making the conflict about the reasons your partner sucks or bringing up past grievances, stick to the current topic of discussion. If you are bothered by the fact that your boyfriend bailed on your date, by all means express your feelings about it to him. You have a right to tell him how you feel. Just don’t turn it into some out-of-proportion argument about all of the things he’s done wrong throughout the course of your relationship. If there are so many things wrong with your relationship that you feel the need to bring them up whenever you’re feeling dissatisfied, there’s a good chance that you’re dating the wrong person and should think about getting the hell outta dodge!